


Stay

by soft_satan



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: A lot - Freeform, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cute Kids, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Family, Family Feels, Found Family, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, M/M, Multi, Romance, Soulmates, Team as Family, Temporary Character Death, Whump, grab a box of tissues, plz don't murder me, this is gonna hurt, you're gonna need them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:47:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 31,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21984661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soft_satan/pseuds/soft_satan
Summary: Buck’s voice was soft and hesitant, but full of patience when he finally spoke again. “Did I do something to upset you, Chris? I can leave—”“No!” Chris whirled on him, a complete shift from the standoffish vibe he had been giving a second ago. The tears he bravely held back finally broke free from his eyes, sliding down his rosy cheeks from behind his glasses. He shook his head vehemently, the yellow crayon falling to the table. “No, I’m not mad. Please…” His words turned to whimpers, his lip trembling. “Please don’t leave me too.”
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 635
Kudos: 1463





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [theobligatedklutz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theobligatedklutz/gifts), [autumnchills](https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumnchills/gifts), [SeaOfAshes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeaOfAshes/gifts), [uwukathie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/uwukathie/gifts).



> This fic is dedicated to the people to whom it was gifted. You are all wonderful, kind, beautiful humans and I am so grateful that I can call you my friends 💛
> 
> And an extra thank you to Hilow and Sarah for really helping me figure this fic out and letting me scream at them happily about it, as well as cry to them about how overwhelming it is to write.
> 
> I love you all so much 💖
> 
> *deep breath*
> 
> HERE WE GOOOOOOOO

“Hey, Chris!” Buck greeted cheerfully, crouching down beside the desk where Christopher was coloring. “What are you up to?”

Christopher bristled at the greeting, the yellow crayon in his hand nearly snapping from how tightly he squeezed it. The boy took a deep breath, something Buck knew he had learned in therapy to calm down, and gently laid the crayon down on the table. As the cold silence in the room stretched on for another moment, Christopher’s eyes never left the half-colored sun on the page before him.

“Coloring,” he finally answered, voice softer, quieter, than it usually was already.

Concern furrowed Buck’s brow. He tilted his head, dropping to his knees and leaning closer to the boy. “What’s wrong, buddy? You seem upset.”

Christopher leaned away from him, but looked up to meet Buck’s gaze. He pushed his glasses back up his nose, expressive eyes taking in every inch of Buck’s face. Even before they became glassy, the little boy’s hazel eyes were full of sadness and disappointment, which intensified the longer he looked at the firefighter. It was something Buck didn’t often see in the eyes of the little boy, and it sent his heart sinking into his stomach.

“It’s nothing,” Chris finally whispered with a shrug, picking the crayon back up and beginning to color again, his narrow shoulders still tense.

Buck backed away from him slightly, giving him space. It was odd for the boy to react with anything other than excitement when Buck came to visit. The thing Buck looked forward to most when he visited Christopher was the tight hug he would receive upon arrival. Confusion, sadness, and concern fought for dominance in Buck’s chest, but not even for a second did anger make an appearance. 

Buck’s voice was soft and hesitant, but full of patience when he finally spoke again. “Did I do something to upset you, Chris? I can leave—”

“No!” Chris whirled on him, a complete shift from the standoffish vibe he had been giving a second ago. The tears he bravely held back finally broke free from his eyes, sliding down his rosy cheeks from behind his glasses. He shook his head vehemently, the yellow crayon falling to the table. “No, I’m not mad. Please…” His words turned to whimpers, his lip trembling. “Please don’t leave me too.”

“I won’t, Christopher,” Buck assured instantly. “I would never leave you.”

Christopher sniffled, but Buck’s words seemed to make his panic ease off some. He nodded in understanding, but he still held fear and a deep sadness in his eyes as he searched Buck’s. His voice was so small as he whimpered a single word. “Promise?”

Buck smiled easily, love and unshed tears of his own making his blue eyes sparkle. “I promise.”

…

Eddie was moving on autopilot. He wasn't distracted, per se, but he knew that he wasn't giving 100%. He went about doing his job as efficiently as ever, he just didn't have his heart in it. It seemed like no one did. No one was quite as loud or energetic as they usually were, but Eddie knew that the others were doing a much better job at compartmentalizing than he was. He also knew that he wasn't the only one to notice that he wasn’t coping as well as the others.

“Eddie!”

Chimney’s exasperated voice cut through Eddie’s thoughts abruptly. The shorter man looked annoyed, motioning toward the smashed in car door and the bleeding woman behind it.

“Shit, right,” Eddie shook his head, jamming the end of the tool into the space between the doors and firing it up.

As the Jaws of Life pried the door open, Eddie tried to stay aware and focused, but he just didn’t care as much as he used to. He could feel Bobby's eyes on him while he helped Chim pull the door open the rest of the way. It was a sensation to which he was becoming accustomed. It seemed as though Bobby had taken a special interest in him, because every time Eddie looked toward the man, the Captain was looking at him with a critical yet concerned gaze. And if it wasn't Bobby, it was Chim or Hen or one of his other coworkers in the firehouse. Frankly, though he appreciated the sentiment, he hated it. He hated the feeling of being watched, but more than that, he hated the pity. He had gotten enough of that when Shannon died, and he had hated it then, too.

He went through the motions of protocol for the rest of the accident, doing the heavy work and letting Hen and Chim take the lead on medical care. Eddie tried his best to stay present, but he couldn’t help zoning in and out as his mind wandered through memories and what if’s that made his stomach churn. As they packed up after dealing with the accident, Bobby came to stand beside Eddie. The taller man a noticeable presence at his side, Eddie didn’t even have to look up from the tool box he was packing to know it was him.

“Let's talk when we get back,” Bobby said kindly, but Eddie knew it wasn't a suggestion, it was an order.

“Yes, sir.” Eddie fought to keep the annoyance out of his voice.

…

Buck stood up from the floor, keeping his curious eyes on Christopher. He was still avoidant of Buck’s touch, but if he said he wasn’t upset with him, Buck was inclined to believe him. Still, it was odd behavior for the child to be standoffish, when normally he was almost clingy to Buck. Something was wrong, whether or not it was Buck’s fault, and the firefighter wanted to get to the bottom of it.

“Can you please tell me what’s bothering you, Chris?” Buck asked carefully.

Christopher shook his head, his curls swishing back and forth and his glasses sliding down his nose. He pushed them back up. “No. Then you’ll go away.”

“I won’t. You’re stuck with me. You’ve got me for life.” He smiled encouragingly, and received a small, sad smile in return. “I promise, I’m not going anywhere. I have nowhere to be.”

Buck’s smile faltered as his own words sunk in. Did he really not have anywhere to be? What day was it? The little boy’s face fell as he caught on to Buck’s sudden change in mood. Buck’s mind was reeling as he took a step back away from Christopher. He looked around the room, out the window at the setting sun, then down at himself. He was wearing his work uniform, something he didn’t do off the clock. And for the life of him, he could not recall what day of the week it was.

“How did I even get here?” Buck mumbled to himself, panic rising in his chest. “I don’t… I don’t remember. Why don’t I remember?”

Christopher bit his lip, eyes welling up again.

…

When they got back to the station, Eddie was the first one out of the rig, stripping off his turnout gear and hanging it on his hook. He glanced at the one next to his but looked away quickly, feeling a twist in his gut that he would rather ignore. He hurried toward the locker room to change, hoping he could leave before Bobby reminded him that they were supposed to talk when they got back. He wasn’t in the mood to share his feelings, get reprimanded, or really even hold any kind of conversation with anyone. The only person he wanted to talk to wasn’t around, and no one else was an adequate substitute.

“Eddie,” Bobby’s voice boomed, and Eddie stopped in the doorway to the locker room with a sigh. “You forgetting something?”

“No, Cap,” Eddie grumbled, following Bobby into his office.

Eddie didn’t miss the sympathetic looks that Chim and Hen shot him as he followed Bobby into his office. Bobby waited until Eddie entered to shut the door, cutting off the noises of the firehouse and plunging them into suffocating silence. Eddie plopped down heavily in the chair in front of the Captain's desk, heaving a sigh as he waited to be yelled at for how out of it he had been for the last two weeks. Bobby came to stand beside Eddie’s seat, leaning against the front of his own desk and crossing his arms. He looked down at Eddie, and the younger firefighter was surprised to find concern in the Captain’s eyes rather than anger or annoyance.

“How are you doing, Eddie?” Bobby asked softly.

Eddie met the kindness he didn’t deserve with a scowl. “How the hell do you think I’m doing?”

Bobby sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I know how difficult this has been for you, Eddie. It’s been rough on all of us.” He dropped his hand to meet Eddie’s eyes again, the concern of a friend beginning to mix with the seriousness of a superior. “But this job needs your full attention, and if you can’t give that, I’m going to have to suspend you. If you keep zoning out like you have, you could get somebody killed.”

“You mean “somebody else,” don’t you, Cap?” Eddie spat, curling in on himself.

“Eddie…” Bobby softened considerably. “What happened wasn’t your fault.”

“Are we done here?” Eddie snapped, standing up suddenly. He was done with their conversation, whether or not Bobby was.

“I think you need to see the department therapist.” It wasn't a suggestion, but the order was softened as Bobby laid a fatherly hand on Eddie’s shoulder.

Eddie shrugged him off and stepped toward the door, meeting Bobby’s gaze. “With all due respect, Cap, it’s the end of my shift. All I need to do right now is go home to my son.”

“Don’t bottle it up, Eddie,” Bobby warned softly, understanding in his tone. “We both know how dangerous that is. Talk to the therapist, talk to me. Hell, go talk to Buck.”

Eddie flinched at the name. He swallowed down the sob that was suddenly threatening to crawl up his throat. “I don’t think Buck’s feeling very talkative right now."

Bobby sighed. “Just don’t go down that path again, Eddie. He wouldn’t want that, and you know it.”

Unable to listen to another word, Eddie left the Captain alone in his office, shutting the door behind him a little harder than strictly necessary. He marched toward the locker room, his mind racing to sort through the millions of emotions that were swirling in his chest. They were like a raging house fire, burning hot and suffocating him in darkness. Chim was pulling on a plain t-shirt as Eddie entered and went straight for his locker, pointedly ignoring the one next to his that sat unused, yet still full of pictures and necessities. He didn’t so much as look in Chim’s direction as he silently opened his own locker and pulled out his jeans and shirt, praying that the other man would catch on to his mood and leave him be.

There was no such luck, and Eddie grumbled under his breath at the sound of the other man’s voice.

“Are you coming by tonight?” Chim asked tentatively, apparently aware of Eddie’s mood but choosing to ignore it.

“No.”

“Come on, Maddie would love to see you. You can bring Chris—”

“I said no,” Eddie barked, yanking off his LAFD shirt and throwing it violently into his locker.

Chimney sighed. “Whatever, man. Just… promise you’ll reach out if you need anything. Anything at all. Even just companionable silence.” 

Eddie’s stiff shoulders loosened and dropped, guilt suddenly washing over him. He pulled on his shirt, eyes coming to meet the other man’s. “Thanks, Chim.”

Chim smiled sadly and patted Eddie’s shoulder as he passed him, leaving the man alone in the quiet locker room. Eddie changed his pants quickly and hung his uniform in his locker. Glancing at the one beside his, the name scrawled messily across a piece of masking tape became blurred. He swiped the back of his hand across his eyes, blinking back the rest that threatened to come forward. Slamming his locker door shut, he slung his backpack over his shoulder and left, keeping his head down on his way out of the firehouse.

…

“Why can't I remember?” Buck gasped.

He looked up at the boy still sitting in his desk chair. He was biting his lip, watching Buck with a look of guilt. It was an odd thing to see on the boy’s face, as he never did anything that warranted remorse.

“Chris…” The panic in Buck’s voice was quickly turning to desperation. “Christopher, do you know something I don't?”

Fresh tears streamed down Christopher's flushed cheeks as he shook his head.

“Christopher, please,” Buck all but sobbed, chest tightening. He couldn’t breathe. “What is going on?”

The boy just shook his head again with a sniffle. “If I tell you, you'll go away.”

“I won't!”

The sound of glass breaking startled them both. Across the room, the full length mirror leaned against the wall. Over the face of his reflection Buck saw a spider web crack that spread out across the entire mirror. Nothing was making sense, and the longer Buck went without answers, the more panicked he felt.

“I promise, Christopher, please,” Buck begged, voice shaking. “I won't leave. Just… please. Please tell me what’s happening.”

Without a word the boy got up from his desk and collapsed into his bed, burying his face in the pillows. His shoulders shook as he wept, and all Buck could do was stand there and watch. By Christopher’s previous reactions, he wasn’t in the mood to be touched, so Buck stayed back. Realizing he was on his own, Buck dropped his head into his hands, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to think back. He hadn’t blacked out since his teens, and that was after a significant amount of vodka. Despite the lapse in memory, Buck was sure that alcohol had nothing to do with his current situation. “The last thing I remember is… going to a call…”

A gentle knock brought Buck's attention to Christopher’s bedroom door. It opened slowly, revealing Eddie on the other side. Buck had never felt so much relief at seeing his best friend.

“Eddie! Thank God, I—"

“Chris?” Eddie’s smile dropped immediately at the sight of his son crying on his bed. He was beside him in an instant, sitting on the edge of the bed and rubbing Christopher's back gently. “Hey, what's this about?”

“I don't know! He won't tell me!” Buck responded anxiously, running a hand through his hair. “And I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that I can’t remember how I got here.”

“Shh, it's alright. You're okay,” Eddie soothed, lifting the boy into his arms. Christopher wrapped himself around his father's neck, and Eddie leaned back against the headboard, holding Christopher securely.

“Seriously, Eddie? Did I make you mad?” Buck crossed his arms, leveling Eddie with a glare. “I know Christopher is your number one priority, and I support that, but a little acknowledgment would be nice.”

Eddie remained silent aside from the gentle shushes he mumbled to his son, delicately scratching Christopher’s head to calm him down. Soon enough, the sobs turned to hiccups and shaky breaths. Eddie pressed a kiss to the side of Christopher's head, then leaned the boy away from him just a bit to look him in the eye.

“Do you want to tell me what's wrong now?” Eddie’s brow rose. The boy stayed quiet, glancing away sadly, and Eddie tilted his head to recapture his son’s gaze. His next question was stated in a hesitant whisper. “Is it because of Buck?”

“What the hell did I do?!” Buck demanded, the pressure of desperate tears behind his eyes. “Christopher, please. If I did something to hurt you, just tell me so I can fix it.”

Christopher didn't answer, instead curling back up under Eddie's chin, his ear pressed to his father’s chest. Eddie sighed, rubbing soothing circles over Christopher’s back. He had tears of his own now, and Buck's anger at being given the silent treatment dissolved instantly.

“Eddie, why are you cry—”

Buck's question was cut off by Eddie once again, but Buck was caught so off guard by his words that he didn’t even have a chance to be angry. “I know you miss him, buddy. It's okay. I miss him, too.”

Buck was confused, to say the least, and the panic came back to him twofold. “I'm right here!” Buck shouted, waving his arms around like a maniac.

Christopher flinched at the raised voice, but Eddie didn't react at all. Buck moved around the bed to stand right in front of them, but it was as though Eddie was still staring at the wall behind Buck. Anger started to boil up inside him, almost rivaling the panic and confusion that seemed to be ever-present in Buck’s chest that evening. But then Eddie's soft voice cut through to him, giving him pause.

“Christopher, have you seen Buck at all?”

The boy’s answer came with a tiny shake of his head. “No.”

The single word sent Buck reeling. He wasn’t sure how to react, or feel, or even what to think. He simply watched in stunned silence as Eddie took a deep breath and leaned his head back against the headboard. Tears broke free of Eddie’s brown eyes as he closed them, and Buck was baffled by the fact that Eddie looked utterly relieved.

“You okay now?” Eddie asked, to which Christopher nodded slightly. “Good, because as much as I love an impromptu cuddle session, we need to eat.” Eddie helped Christopher back up into a sitting position on his bed. Buck backed away slowly as Eddie stood up and dropped a kiss to the top of Christopher's head. “Dinner will be ready soon, okay?”

“Eddie, wait—” Buck reached out to grab Eddie's arm, a last attempt at gaining the man’s attention, but his fingers passed straight through him like he was made of air. Buck felt something in his hand as he passed through, like his hand had gone through a mass of pure energy. It was an odd, somehow familiar feeling, but it was lost on Buck as his mind spun. Everything that Buck had been feeling since he saw Christopher sitting at his desk suddenly left him in a rush, leaving only terror as he started to process what was going on.

Eddie gasped, pausing to look down at his arm and then back up. He didn't meet Buck's eyes, but looked straight through him. It was in that moment that Buck finally saw Eddie’s state. He looked exhausted, the dark circles under his eyes offset by the redness along his waterlines. Buck could plainly see the sorrow that was weighing down his unusually sagging shoulders. Eddie absently rubbed the spot on his arm that Buck had tried to touch, shaking his head as he left the room.

Buck stood there frozen, watching Eddie leave. He'd seen what his fingers did, but he wasn't sure if he could trust his eyes, or his sense of touch, or whether or not he was in reality. His stomach dropped as it all started to make sense, but it wasn't until memories started to flash through his mind that tears began to roll down his face.

“Christopher…”

Buck searched for answers in the face of the only person he knew could hear and see him.

“Am I dead?”

Christopher started to cry again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates will NOT be daily, I just happened to have a little time this evening and wanted to get chapter 2 up asap. ENJOY 💗

Death is cruel. She is cold, terrifying, and unpredictable. A shadow that lurks around every corner, waiting to strike. Rarely expected, most often going unnoticed until it’s too late. Even in a burning building, Death hides from sight until it’s time to strike. It may be in the form of a gas line explosion, or perhaps the flash of fire eating up fresh oxygen as a door is opened. Death lingers, She stalks, and She attacks whenever She pleases.

And sometimes She comes for one, but ends up taking another.

The building was starting to scream. As the flames grew higher, burned brighter, the walls began to moan as they started to bend and succumb to the hellish event. Buck was just coming out of an empty apartment after checking it thoroughly, meeting Eddie in the hallway. Over the radio they heard other firefighters on the floors below them, chiming in that their floor was clear.

“Fifth floor is clear, Cap,” Buck reported into his radio, the last floor to be cleared.

“Copy that. I want everyone out of there immediately,” Bobby responded through the crackling radio. “This building is about to come down.”

Giving Buck a thumbs up, Eddie started to head toward the stairwell, responding over his own radio. “Copy. On our way out.”

Buck heard it before he saw it. Even as the walls around them creaked and screamed, warning of their impending collapse, he heard a low rumble from above and followed the sound. Starting down the opposite direction they were heading, the ceiling suddenly became engulfed in flames that spread down the hall toward them in the blink of an eye. A wave of heat crashed down on the firefighters as they dove to the floor for cover from the blaze above. Buck could hear the creaking in the walls and ceiling getting louder, and when he chanced a look up, pushing his helmet back to get a better view, he saw exactly what was making the groaning sound. Just above Eddie, the blazing ceiling was starting to warp and dip, and he knew in his gut that it was about to collapse right on top of his best friend. Eddie was only just starting to get up, but he wasn’t moving fast enough, and he wouldn’t be able to get far enough away for the ceiling not to hit him. So Buck scrambled, moving as fast as he could. Eddie’s name erupted from his lips as Buck dove on top of him. The instant that he covered the other man with his body, wood, metal, concrete, and fire rained down on them like a hellish thunder storm, sending Buck into darkness.

…

As Buck returned to reality – or at least the warped reality in which he found himself – the first thing he heard was Christopher whispering his name. As the memory left his field of vision, it was replaced with the sweet, tear-stained face of his favorite kid, and Buck forced a shaky smile. He was freaking out, surprised that ghosts could even have panic attacks, but Christopher needed him to be strong. He didn’t need to see Buck upset.

“I’m okay, Chris,” he said, wishing he could reach out and pull the child into a hug. “Just… remembering how I got here.”

Chris bit his lip and nodded. He already knew the story. Or at least however much his father had told him. Buck knew Eddie would have left out any gruesome details, but Buck couldn’t help but wonder exactly how much Chris knew. Perhaps he would be able to fill in some blanks for Buck, but that would be a question for later. Buck had seen too many tears from the boy already that evening.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Buck asked sadly. “I wouldn’t have been mad at you. I’m still not. I could never be mad at you.”

The little boy looked down at the floor as he curled his legs underneath himself, sitting at the foot of his bed. “I was afraid you’d go away like Mommy did when I told her.”

Buck softened. That made sense, in the crazy, twisted way that any of what was happening made sense. He knelt down in front of the bed to get a glimpse of Christopher’s face. The boy didn’t look at him, his haunted eyes still glued to a spot on the floor. The things the kid must have seen, must have been told, Buck couldn’t imagine. He’d always known Christopher was wise beyond his years, and now he knew why.

“Where did your mom go?” Buck didn’t want to upset him, but it was clear that Chris new more about the whole ghost thing than he did, and Buck was desperate for answers.

“Into the light. I couldn’t see it, but she told me it was beautiful and warm. It made her really happy when she saw it,” he shrugged. “I didn’t want her to go, but she did anyway. I was scared you’d leave, too.”

How anyone could choose to leave a kid like Christopher, much less multiple times, Buck couldn’t understand. He ducked his head to finally lock eyes with Chris. “That’s not going to happen, okay? I don’t care how nice that light is. You are my light, Christopher. There is nowhere I would rather be than right here with you.”

Christopher’s eyes sparkled with tears and trust as he smiled.

“Now, does your dad know you see dead people?” Christopher nodded, and Buck pursed his lips. “Then why did you lie to him when he asked if you’d seen me?”

“If he knows you’re a ghost, he’ll give up hope.” He shook his head, bottom lip sticking out. “I don’t want him to give up hope.”

Without thinking Buck tried to wipe the little boy’s tears away, but his hand passed right through his face. He felt nothing, and Chris didn’t so much as flinch. His brow furrowed, but he let it go to focus on Christopher’s words. There was already so much to process, he had to prioritize. “Hope for what?”

“That you’ll come back.”

Buck wasn’t quite sure what Chris meant by that. Dead was dead, right? There was no coming back from death. Before he could ask for clarification, Christopher yawned laid down on his bed, burrowing his face into his pillow again. The boy looked utterly exhausted, and Buck didn’t want to push him anymore than he already had. There would be time for more questions, he had nothing but time, and he hoped that Christopher could help him find answers when he was ready.

“Hey, Chris?” The boy peeked out at him from the pillow. “I’m gonna go out there with your dad for a minute, okay? I promise, I’m not going into any light. I’ll come back.”

Christopher nodded before smashing his face back into his pillow, his voice coming out muffled. “I trust you.”

Buck faced the closed door and took a deep, unneeded breath. He closed his eyes and went for it, walking right through the door. He was surprised to once again feel nothing, and wondered what he felt when he phased that first time. He moved silently down the hallway and into the kitchen, finding Eddie standing at the counter with a box of macaroni in front of him. He was leaning against the counter, staring at the blue box with a look Buck hadn’t seen since Eddie walked out of the ER a widower. The desire to reach out and touch him was overwhelming. He wanted nothing more than to tell him he was there, that he hadn’t left him like Shannon had and he never would. But he already knew that his voice would go unheard, so he stood there silently, watching Eddie stare with unseeing eyes at the blue box on the counter. Though he knew it would do nothing, Buck attempted to lay his hand over Eddie’s, but just like before, it passed right through. But there was that strange feeling again, like an energy pulsing through his fingers until he pulled his hand away. Eddie gasped, a visible shiver running through his body as he pulled his hand away from its spot on the counter. He rubbed the back of his hand with a furrowed brow, looking to his left. Buck knew that Eddie couldn’t see him, but it sure as hell felt like it, even as his brown eyes looked right passed Buck. Perhaps Christopher’s sixth sense had been passed down, and Eddie just happened to have a variation of the ability. Either way, it made Buck feel real again for a moment, and for that, he was grateful. Eddie sighed heavily and went back to making dinner, pulling out a pot from below the counter and filling it with water. Buck watched him for a moment, finding a bitter-sweet enjoyment out of finally getting to appreciate Eddie without getting caught staring. A small grin pulled at Buck’s lips, watching Eddie hop up to sit on the counter beside the stove, leaning his head against the cabinet behind him as he waited for the water to boil.

And then something occurred to Buck. If Eddie was there, still living his life after Buck’s passing, what were the others doing? Were they coping as well as Eddie seemed to be? Were they upset? Sad? Relieved? The first person who came to mind was his sister, and Buck felt a pang of worry. Was Maddie doing okay?

And in the blink of an eye, he was no longer in the Diaz kitchen.

How he had gotten there, Buck had no idea. All he did was think of Maddie and wish to be with her, and suddenly he was right beside her. She was standing at her kitchen counter, rhythmically tapping her fingernails on the countertop as she stared at her tea kettle on the stove. Two mugs sat on the counter beside her, each with the string of a teabag draped over the side and the handle of a spoon peeking out of the top. Her shoulders were tense, her eyes tired and dull. She looked as exhausted as Eddie did. The kettle began to whistle loudly and she turned off the burner, grabbing an oven mitt. He watched her pour water into the two mugs and set the kettle on the back burner. Carefully picking up the two mugs, she turned toward Buck and walked right through him. Once again, Buck was surprised, but only by the complete lack of reaction from either of them. He hurried to follow her out into the living room, seeing her set the mugs down on the coffee table. Just as she settled into the corner of the couch, the front door opened, and a small smile finally graced his sister’s features. The sight of Chim instantly brought a light back to her eyes, and it was at that moment that Buck knew Maddie would be okay without him.

“I made you tea,” she said in way of greeting, motioning to the mugs.

“Aww, thank you.”

Buck couldn’t help but gag lightheartedly when Chim leaned over to greet Maddie with a kiss. He felt almost bad about spying on them, but he justified it by deciding he wouldn’t stay long. He truly just wanted to make sure that Maddie was okay, and she seemed to be doing fine. Better than expected, really, and that gave Buck a small twinge of disappointment. He didn’t want her to be sad, but it would be a lie to say he didn’t want to be mourned and missed.

The moment Chimney plopped down onto the couch, Maddie was pressed against him, his arm wrapped securely around her shoulders. She sighed sadly, tucking her head into the crook of her boyfriend’s neck. “You don’t think I’m a terrible person for not going tonight, do you?”

“Are you kidding me?” Chim scoffed, squeezing her tight. “You’ve been by there every night for two weeks. You deserve a night off and I think Buck would agree. Hell, I think he’d insist on it.”

Buck fought his satisfied grin. Maybe he was being mourned and missed after all, if Maddie was visiting his grave every day.

“You’re absolutely right, he would.” Maddie smiled sadly, eyes suddenly welling with tears. “I miss him so much.”

A wave of guilt washed over Buck for wanting his sister to mourn him. He didn’t want to see her upset and crying over him. Chim snuggled her closer, and Buck was deeply thankful for his friend. As much as he hated that he couldn’t be there to comfort and protect Maddie, he was happy that he could trust Chimney to take care of her.

“I miss him, too. We all do,” Chim sighed. “The firehouse isn’t the same without him.”

“And Bobby’s probably up there by now, so at least he’s not alone,” Maddie smiled, wiping the tears from her eyes.

Buck’s brow furrowed.

Bobby missed him enough to visit his grave?

Apparently, Buck wasn’t the only one surprised by this, if the look on Chim’s face was anything to go by. “How do you know Bobby’s up there?”

“He’s been by there every day.” Maddie smiled fondly. “I’ve caught him talking to him a couple times.”

Bobby missed him enough to visit his grave _daily_? And _talk_ to him?

“Really?” Chim’s brow furrowed. “Bobby has seemed pretty normal ever since. Almost like nothing’s changed.”

Maddie nodded in confirmation. “Most nights he stays later than I do. I think it’s sweet.”

A sob was clawing at Buck’s chest, fighting to climb up and escape, but he swallowed it down. He knew Bobby cared about him, but to think that the Captain was visiting his grave every night to talk to him… Buck closed his eyes, letting his tears fall as he thought of the man he looked up to.

He wasn’t sure what he was expecting to see when he opened his eyes. He hoped that Maddie had chosen a nice headstone. Perhaps she would have had something written on it, like how he was a beloved brother and friend, or that he was heroic and brave. He hoped that he had a nice burial plot. Somewhere shady and green, with a nice spot for his loved ones to stop and visit on his birthday.

But of all the things he hoped to see, what greeted him when he opened his eyes was the last thing he expected.

Himself.


	3. Chapter 3

In the bulky, stark-white bed, he was lying perfectly still. His top half was raised slightly, not flat but not fully sitting up. He was almost as pale as the sheets around him, dark circles under sunken eyes. Bandages were wrapped snugly around the top of his head like a beanie, and he wondered in a split second of horror if he had any hair left underneath the gauze. Beside the bed a machine whirred and puffed rhythmically, the tube connected to it taped to his lip and disappearing into his mouth. His chest was rising and falling in time with the sounds of the machine, creating a blanket of white noise over the otherwise quiet room. On one arm was a blood pressure cuff, an IV line taped to the other arm near his elbow, and an oxygen meter wrapped around his fingertip. It was surreal to see himself from the outside, to say the least. Terrifying was also a great way to describe how he felt at the moment. But most of all, Buck felt a sudden rush of something akin to excitement. As long as the machine beside the bed was running, Buck was still alive.

There was still hope.

A heavy sigh beside him finally made Buck aware of the presence in the doorway to the room, the reason he had ended up in the same room as his lifeless body. Bobby was leaned against the door frame, arms crossed over his chest as he stared at the body in the bed. Buck was startled to see how much older the man looked after only two weeks, as if stress and worry had forced the sands of time down the hourglass a little faster. His eyes were dark, tired, and barely open as he watched Buck’s body breathe.

“Hey, kid,” Bobby greeted, a small smile making an appearance. He moved to sit beside the bed, sinking heavily into the green vinyl cushion of the chair. He was holding a book, and Buck’s interest was peaked. “You didn’t miss much today. Nothing exciting, just a couple car accidents and a small kitchen fire.”

Buck watched in rapt fascination as Bobby silently stared at his face for a moment, eyes darting up to glance at the various monitors hanging behind his bed. He forced a smile that didn’t even get close to reaching his eyes, holding up the book. “I brought a new book. The Hobbit. It’s one is one of my favorites. I thought you might like it.”

Buck wanted to cry. Bobby slowly lowered the book, the small smile he’d tried to hold in place slowly falling away. If Buck wasn’t mistaken, he swore he could see the beginning of tears shining in Bobby’s eyes, dancing with the sadness in the hazel depths. He knew that Bobby cared about him, but he had no idea the Captain cared enough to do something as tender as read to him like he was his child. Buck hadn’t been told a bedtime story since he was small, and even then it was never his father. The elder Buckley would never be so kind.

“I know I say this every day, Buck,” Bobby’s wavering voice was like thunder in the near-silent room. “But you need to wake up. We need you here, Buck.”

Like whispers coming from just behind him, Buck could almost hear Bobby’s voice saying something similar, echoed and layered, each one a little different than the next. He could hear several voices along with the Captain’s saying similar things, speaking to him in soft, hushed tones, whispering words of love and support. It was like remembering a dream that had already faded from his mind, he could feel it but not bring the full memory to the front of his mind. But the echoes brought a warmth to him that Buck hadn’t felt since he had become aware of his own existence in Christopher’s room.

Bobby gingerly laid his hand over Buck’s on the bed, squeezing the cold digits firmly. Buck looked down at his ghostly hand with a furrowed brow. Despite being on the other side of the room from his own body, Buck could feel the pressure of Bobby’s hand around his own. He couldn’t sense the warmth he knew Bobby provided, nor any kind of energy around his hand, but just the pressure alone felt wonderful. He grinned, relishing the feeling of feeling almost real and tangible again.

“The whole team misses you, kid,” Bobby continued, voice hesitant. He laid the book he still held in his lap and swiped the back of his hand across his eyes, letting out a sharp, bitter laugh. “Sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t… I don’t want you to hear me like this…” His voice trembled with the weight of his emotions, and Buck wanted nothing more than to hug the older man as his own tears started to fall. “You are one of the strongest people I have ever met, Buck. I know you’re fighting right now, and I know you will find a way out of this. But I need you know that you are not fighting this alone. We’re all here for you, Buck. We love you.” Buck felt his heart clench at the way Bobby’s voice finally broke. “I love you. So I need you to wake up for me, okay? Please.”

Buck’s chest was aching as he watched a tear roll down Bobby’s cheek, the older man still holding Buck’s lifeless hand firmly. Before he could swallow it down, a broken sob tore itself free from Buck’s spirit. He wanted to wake up, to spring up from the bed and give Bobby a crushing hug. He wanted to run to Christopher and hold him with the promise of never letting go. He wanted to have the chance to tell Eddie--

The sudden sound of glass breaking right next to him startled both Buck and Bobby. On the counter behind where Buck had been standing was the shattered remains of a vase, the bright floral contents lying in a small puddle. Before Bobby could react there was a nurse rushing through the door, eyes wide as they swept over the room and landed on the broken glass.

“What happened?” she asked, looking as confused as Bobby or Buck himself.

“I honestly have no idea,” Bobby shrugged, standing up. “I can get it, Nancy.”

“No, it’s okay, Bobby. I’ll get maintenance.” She gave him a kind smile before she disappeared out the door, leaving Bobby staring blankly at the heap of glass and flowers as the water was beginning to drip off the side of the counter.

Slowly, Bobby turned back to face Buck’s sleeping face, brows raised. His voice was barely audible as he hesitantly whispered. “Did you do that?”

If he did, Buck wasn’t sure how. One second he was trying not to cry, and the next he heard glass breaking. With the moment gone, Buck wiped his eyes, smiling when Bobby did the same. He watched with a soft fondness as Bobby settled into the chair, opening the book to the first page before taking Buck’s hand back into his. Once again, Buck could feel the pressure of the older man’s hand over his own, and it warmed Buck to his core. As Bobby started to read to him, Buck moved to the opposite side of the bed, getting himself comfortable in the other chair. He wasn’t quite clear on how he could sit in a chair but pass through doors, but he figured there weren’t really any solid rules to being a ghost, even if he still had a living body. So he didn’t question it, instead giving his full attention to the way Bobby’s warm voice rumbled as he read.

“For the record,” Buck whispered, knowing that Bobby couldn’t hear him but still wanting to say it out loud. “I love you, too.”

…

“Alright, time for a patented Diaz Tuck In!” Eddie announced as he entered his son’s room.

Christopher cheered as he climbed into bed, getting settled in preparation. Eddie pulled the blanket all the way up to Christopher’s chin, then proceeded to tuck it under his sides all the way down to his feet, the little boy giggling all the way. Once his son looked like a caterpillar cocoon, Eddie sat on the edge of the bed and tenderly brushed the loose curls from Christopher’s forehead. The happy grin on the boy’s face slowly dropped, his eyes shining in the dim glow of the nightlight as he looked up at his father. His voice was so small and concerned as he whispered.

“Do you think Buck will wake up, Dad?”

A surge of anxiety rushed through Eddie’s chest as he was faced with the same question he had been asking himself since the night of the accident. He slowly released a breath full of anguish, hoping he would be able to force his voice to come out steady enough as to not let on just how scared he truly felt.

“I’m not sure what to think, buddy, but I’ll tell you what I know, okay?” Christopher nodded, so Eddie smiled and continued. “I know that Buck loves you, and he loves me and our entire family. And I know that Buck is a fighter. I know he’s strong and he’s stubborn. And I know…” Eddie swallowed down the lump forming in his throat, hoping he would be able to keep the tears at bay until he was safely in his own room. “I know that he loves us enough to never stop trying to get back to us. If his body is as strong as his spirit and his love for us, he’ll find a way.”

That seemed to satisfy Christopher, who sat up and reached to wrap his arms around his father’s waist. Eddie pulled him close, squeezing the boy to his chest firmly and pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

“I believe you,” Christopher whispered into Eddie’s shirt, bringing a smile to the man’s face.

“Get some sleep, okay?” Eddie said, planting one more kiss to his son’s temple before letting him go. “I love you, Christopher.”

“Okay,” Chris sighed, settling back into bed. “I love you.”

Eddie tucked in the sides of his blanket again and stood up, stretching his stiff muscles. As he turned toward the door, the odd way the nightlight glinted in the mirror caught his eye. Against the far wall, Christopher’s full-length mirror sat completely cracked. He hadn’t noticed it earlier in the evening, so caught up in calming a crying boy. It was eerie, the way the spiderweb crack stretched across the mirror from a spot near the top.

“How’d you break your mirror?” he asked, turning to his son. “Did you hurt yourself?”

“I didn’t… I…” Christopher shook his head, eyes wide.

Eddie gave him a soft smile, coming his fingers through Christopher’s hair soothingly. “You’re not in trouble, buddy. I know you didn’t do it on purpose.”

Christopher heaved a little sigh, looking like he was trying to think of how to answer. “I got mad… and… and threw something at the wall.” He teared up, his little lip puckering out. “I’m sorry. It was an accident.”

Sighing, Eddie leaned down to kiss his son’s head once more. “It’s okay. We’ll talk about how we should deal with anger tomorrow. Right now, just get some rest, okay? I love you.”

“I love you,” Christopher smiled softly, snuggling down under his blanket as Eddie left the room, leaving the door open just a crack.

Once out of the room, Eddie’s shoulders slumped tiredly. He would need to call Christopher’s therapist in the morning. There was no way in hell he would allow his son to develop the same anger issues Eddie himself struggled with. As he dragged himself into his room, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and went to his most used contact. It wasn’t until the picture came up that he finally froze, realizing what he was doing. Buck’s smiling face became blurred and Eddie swiped his sleeve across his face, turning off the phone screen as he collapsed into bed. He plugged in the phone and sat it on the nightstand, glaring angrily at his lock screen. After a second, the photo of himself with Christopher and Buck faded to black, plunging him into the peaceful void of darkness.

…

Bobby stood and stretched, releasing a tired sigh. He had stayed sitting in the uncomfortable chair beside Buck for nearly two hours, and he had made quite a dent in the book within that time. Maybe it was the story, or maybe it was the reader, but Buck had thoroughly enjoyed every word. So much so that he was sad it was over.

“Well, I better get going,” Bobby said, giving Buck’s hand one last squeeze. “I’ll see you tomorrow, kid. Sweet dreams.”

Buck felt warm inside as he watched Bobby leave, the older man stealing one more hopeful glance back as he left, as if Buck would wake up the moment he was out of the room. The younger man sighed, laying his chin on top of his folded hands on the bed as he looked at himself. It was still so strange, but with everything else that had happened in the last few hours, he wasn’t really sure what qualified as normal anymore. He closed his eyes, thinking about Christopher the same way he had about Maddie and Bobby, hoping his little teleportation trick wasn’t just a fluke. When he opened his eyes again, he was back in Christopher's room, the little boy curled up under the covers. It was late, a little passed bedtime, but Buck wasn’t surprised to see the little boy still awake.

His face lit up when he saw Buck and he sat up, keeping his voice low. “You're back!”

“I told you I would be,” Buck grinned. “And I've got good news! I'm not dead! I'm just asleep in the hospital.”

Christopher's face fell immediately, a glisten appearing in his eyes that told Buck the boy knew something he didn't. “I know. You’ve been there a while.”

“So what’s the problem, little man?” Buck asked, genuinely concerned. “We just have to wait until my body gets better!”

“That isn't what happened with Papi.”

Buck’s stomach twisted at the dark, sad tone of the little boy’s voice. “Who is Papi?”

“Dad's Abuelo. He got real sick and was asleep for a while like you. Then he came to see me. He… he didn’t wake up.”

“So he got worse once he came to see you like this?”

Chris nodded, fresh tears welling in his hazel eyes. “He went into the light like Mommy. I don't want you to leave, too.”

“I won't.” Buck knelt in front of the boy tilting his head to catch his gaze. “I swear, I won't leave you. No matter what happens.”

Christopher smiled. “Wish I could hug you.”

Buck's heart broke, but he did his best not to let it show. “Me too.”

“Are you gonna stay here tonight?” There was a hopefulness in Christopher's voice, as well as a shyness Buck didn’t hear there often.

Buck sat down beside the bed. He crossed his arms and leaned against the wall, stretching out his legs and crossing his ankles. “There’s no place I’d rather be. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

Christopher smiled. “Goodnight, Buck. I love you.”

“I love you too, Christopher,” Buck said, heart melting. “Sweet dreams.”

As the little boy rolled over and got comfortable, Buck heaved a calming breath. He had a lot to think about.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might make up for some of the angst? Maybe? Idk? Enjoy?

Not wanting to distract Christopher from his classes, Buck decided to tag along with Eddie on his day off. He felt a little bit guilty for actively choosing to spy on his best friend, but with a vow to not eavesdrop on any private conversations, he figured Eddie wouldn’t mind much if Buck just came along with him on his errands. He waited by the car as Eddie escorted Christopher inside the school, waving when Chris glanced back at Buck with a grin. He watched in sad fascination as the smile melted off of Eddie's face on his way back to his truck. Buck took his seat up front as Eddie got in and slammed his door a little harder than necessary. He gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles were white and clenched his jaw, and Buck thought he was about to crack. But just as quickly as the emotions appeared, they were gone. Or at least put away deep enough that the average person wouldn't be able to tell that anything was wrong. But Buck wasn't just the average person. He could tell that Eddie's shoulders were tense, see the emotions swirling in his brown eyes, but most of all, he could tell that Eddie’s resolve was starting to crack. He was forcing himself to stay strong for Chris, and probably for Buck too. That was what kind of person Eddie was. A big heart hidden under a concrete foundation that was used to support the people around him. Buck was lucky to have chipped away enough of the foundation to find a way into that big heart, but now that he wasn’t around to keep it open, Buck was worried that Eddie was going to seal it back up for good. Eddie cleared his throat and swiped the back of his hand across his eyes. His keys jingled loudly in the silence of the truck before he turned the engine over. Buck just watched him as Eddie pulled out of the drop off line and rolled up to the outlet, stopping to check for oncoming traffic.

“I wish I could help you, Eddie.”

Eddie's head snapped to face the passenger side, sending a dull ache through Buck’s chest as Eddie looked right through him once again. Buck watched in wonder as Eddie’s eyes raked over the entire passenger side, as if there was something hidden there that he might find if he just looked a little harder. A car horn blaring behind them made them both jump, and Buck couldn't help giggling at the way the other man's face flushed.

“I'm going crazy…” Eddie mumbled to himself as he pulled out onto the road.

The car was silent as Eddie drove. Buck once again took full advantage of his invisibility to unabashedly stare at Eddie. The glow of the morning sunlight on his skin was mesmerizing. The way he pursed his lips as he decided which route to take was tantalizing. Even the way he flipped off neglectful drivers was adorable. Buck felt a little bit bad about ogling his best friend without him knowing, but he couldn’t help himself. When else would he get the opportunity to stare at his best friend without causing some kind of awkwardness? Or, even worse, making Eddie aware of Buck’s stupid little huge ass crush on him.

Eddie’s first stop was the grocery store. Buck happily followed Eddie up and down the aisles, silently judging some of the things he put in the buggy.

“When I wake up, we are having a serious discussion about your choices, Eddie,” Buck said, though he knew that no one could hear him. “Honey roasted peanut butter is so much better than the normal kind. And regular Oreos? Really, Eddie? When Double Stuf exists?” Buck shook his head and followed along as Eddie continued through the store.

A few aisles down they hit the freezer section. Eddie carefully considered the pizza bagels and pizza rolls, hands on his hips as he glared at the brightly colored packages indecisively.

“Come on, Eddie,” Buck said, watching the man carefully. “Your decision could make or break our friendship.”

Eddie opened the freezer door to get a better look at the packages within, rubbing his chin. As he scrutinized the frozen pizza snacks, Buck heaved a sigh of boredom. Looking at the glass door covered in fog, Buck had an idea. He had seen his fair share of ghost related movies, and Buck wondered if he would be able to do some of the things he had seen. He reached across Eddie and, with a little grin, drew a little heart in the fog just as Eddie finally grabbed the bag of pizza rolls.

“Ha! Yes! The superior pizza snack!” Buck cheered, clapping his hands. “Good choice, Eddie. We can remain friends.”

As Eddie shut the door he paused, attention caught on the tiny heart Buck had drawn. He looked around the empty aisle suspiciously. Buck snickered to himself as Eddie shrugged, tossing the yellow bag into the buggy and moving on from the aisle. Buck hurried to follow.

When they went to check out, Buck was starting to regret his decision to follow Eddie instead of Christopher. Granted, Chris would have gained strange looks or even gotten into trouble for talking to him, but at least then Buck would have someone who could hear him and listen. Instead, he was talking to himself, trying to keep himself entertained. Shopping with Eddie was fun whenever they’d been paired up to restock the firehouse. They would talk and joke around. Buck was a social being, and not being able to even hold a conversation was torture. As the cashier rang up Eddie’s items, Buck stood in front of her, making faces at the grumpy teen. She kept her black-smudged eyes fixed on the items as she scanned them, Eddie pretty much doing the same to avoid awkward conversation that neither of them wanted. Buck sighed, giving up trying to amuse himself as Eddie paid and exited the store, his ghostly companion by his side as always.

The next stop they made was at the home of Eddie’s Abuela. The sweet older lady met Eddie at the door with a warm greeting as he hauled the bags of groceries inside, giving her a kiss on the cheek on his way by.

“Thank you, mijo,” Abuela cooed as she shut the door behind him, following him into the kitchen. “What would I do without you here?”

“It’s not a big deal, Abuela. I had to get groceries too. I figured it made sense to grab yours while I was at it, to save you the trouble.” Eddie threw her a smile over his shoulder as he sat the bags down on the counter and started to put things away. “If you don’t have any plans tonight, I thought I could bring Christopher back here after school and I could make us something for dinner.”

“That sounds wonderful,” Abuela sighed happily, coming to help him put things away.

Buck decided it was time to leave, not wanting to listen in on Eddie’s private conversations with his Abuela. But before he could even choose where to go, the older lady said something that peaked his interest.

“How are you, Edmundo?” Her voice was soft and kind, her eyes full of concern as she looked Eddie up and down. “And how is Buck? Has there been any change?”

Buck grinned at the warmth and concern with which Abuela asked about him. Abuela always made Buck feel like an honorary grandson. He loved any chance he got to spend time with the woman, and just hearing the woman ask about him made him feel loved.

Eddie paused for a second with a box of pasta in his hand before sitting it in the cabinet a little harder than he needed to. “No,” he said, voice low. “No changes.”

“Have you been to see him? How does he look?”

Eddie shook his head, finally turning to face his grandmother. “No, I haven’t.”

Buck’s brow furrowed. Two weeks and Eddie hadn’t once stepped foot into the hospital? “Seriously, Eddie?”

“Edmundo,” Abuela admonished. “He can hear what’s around him. He knows that you have not there.”

“No, he can't,” Eddie all but snapped, barely keeping his tone even and calm. “He's in a coma, Abuela.”

“You are his best friend! He needs you. He needs your strength and support to heal.”

“I can’t—” Eddie’s voice broke, and so did Buck’s heart. “I can’t see him like that, knowing that I put him there.”

“Oh, Eddie… No…” Buck breathed, moving to stand beside his best friend. The emotional waver in his voice made Buck forgive him immediately.

“You did no such thing, Edmundo,” Abuela sternly stated. She laid a delicate hand on her grandson’s arm, waiting for him to meet her eyes before she spoke again. “You told me that Buck saved you. Is this true?”

Eddie slowly nodded, eyes filling with unshed tears. “It should have been me.”

“I believe Buck would disagree,” Abuela snapped, placing her hands on her hips, a fire lit behind her eyes

Buck couldn’t fight back his smile. “You tell him, Abuela!”

“That boy loves you, Eddie.”

“Whoa, don’t tell him that much, Abuela!” Buck’s panicked eyes flicked to catch Eddie’s reaction. Surprisingly, it wasn’t a look of shock or disgust. In fact, it was a look that Buck had seen directed his way more than once, and it made his heart flutter just as much as it always did.

“I know,” Eddie whispered, tears in his eyes.

“That boy was willing to give his life to save you. That was his choice, not yours." She placed her hand on his cheek tenderly. “I know that if you could have, you would have done the same for him.”

“In an instant,” Eddie said without hesitation, and Buck’s chest swelled with emotion.

“And you would have done it for him, not because of him, correct?”

Eddie shyly looked to the floor. “I see where you're going with this.”

“I just wanted to keep you safe, Eddie,” Buck sighed softly, fighting back tears.

“Go. Visit him. You will regret it if you don't,” Abuela told him, patting his cheek gently before letting him go.

“I'll think about it,” Eddie agreed with a nod. “I just… I don't think I can handle it.”

Buck decided that would be a good time to leave, before the two got into anything else that Eddie probably didn’t want him to overhear. With one more longing glance at Eddie, Buck closed his eyes, thinking of the one person he hadn’t yet visited since he had awoken as a spirit.

He wasn’t surprised to find himself in his own hospital room once again, but he was touched at the image that greeted him when he opened his eyes. Hen was perched on the edge of the chair Bobby had been sitting in the night before, Buck’s hand held firmly between both of hers. She was mid-sentence, face alight with humor.

“—didn’t see it in time and Chim stepped right in it and went sliding across the floor!” She cackled heartily, and Buck joined her quickly. Even without the rest of the story, the imagery was glorious. “I went back there this morning to see if the guy would give me the security footage, and he was so grateful that he gave it to me then and there. You better believe we’re having a watching party once you’re back.”

“I can’t wait,” Buck chuckled to himself.

He moved to the other side of the bed, leaning over his own body to get a good look at Hen. She still held a smile on her face, but her eyes were full of tears behind her glasses. Still, her voice stayed solid and steady as she continued, warming Buck’s heart with every word. Her strength never ceased to amaze him.

“I sure do miss you, Buckaroo,” she sighed, kissing the back of his hand.

Buck smiled at the comforting pressure he could feel around his hand. The feeling was weaker than it had been with Bobby just the night before, but it was still there, and it was still wonderful. As he watched her sitting there, beginning another story about a call, a grin pulled at his lips. It was as good a time as any to test more of his possible ghostly abilities. With a single finger outstretched, he concentrated on touching the IV line that ran from the machine to his arm. Very carefully, he poked the thin, clear tube, yelping in excitement as it moved ever so slightly. Hen didn’t seem to notice, continuing on about a man who had gotten his... self... stuck in the side of a playground slide. Buck gagged in empathetic pain at the tale, thankful it had happened at night and not when children were about. He listened happily, but continued to test his new skill, gently poking the IV tube and making it move ever so slightly back and forth. Every time he pushed it a little bit harder, and the tube would move a little bit more. When Hen’s story abruptly stopped in the middle of describing the man crying in fear over the use of the saw, Buck looked up to find out what had distracted her.

“Oh no,” he breathed, seeing the way Hen’s eyes were bulging out of her skull as she stared at the swinging tube. He stopped pushing it immediately, and as it stopped moving, Hen finally relaxed.

She shook her head, a wry smile curling her lips. “I’m seeing things.”

This gave Buck a devilish idea, and a mischievous smile to match. As Hen got back to her tale, Buck decided to try the big leagues. Figuring the machine running the IV was the least important to the task of keeping him alive, he tried to push it. It took a few tries, and a lot of concentration, but the machine finally moved slightly on its wheels. It was only an inch or so, but by the way Hen yelped, he knew it was enough.

“Oh hell no!” She leapt up from her seat, backing away from the bed.

Buck busted into cackles, pointing an unseen finger at the woman and the way she was crossing herself over and over.

“You’ve got some juju around you, Buckaroo. I just hope it’s all good,” she said, backing up closer to the door.

“Hey, Hen.”

Hen jumped a foot in the air, and Buck couldn’t control his giggles. Maddie’s brows raised in question, a small smile visible only on the corners of her lips.

“You okay, Hen? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s fine,” Hen waved her off, trying to catch her breath. “It’s just… you know what? Never mind.” The paramedic shook her head. There was no explaining that. “How are you?”

Maddie forced a trembling smile onto her face, but her eyes spoke of a deep sadness as she looked at the motionless body on the bed. “Not great.”

Hen immediately moved to pull the other woman into a tight hug, and Maddie accepted the embrace gratefully as tears streamed down her face. “Are you just getting hit with a wave of grief, or is this something new?”

Buck’s gut twisted as he watched his sister cry into Hen’s shoulder, the woman he considered a second sister shushing and rubbing her back soothingly. Maddie sniffled and cleared her throat, backing out of the embrace enough to look up at Hen. She kept a hand on Maddie’s shoulder, giving her strength. The shorter woman wiped her eyes, glancing at the bed and back to Hen anxiously.

“I just spoke to his doctor,” Maddie finally explained, voice raspy with tears. “He said Buck’s brain activity has been slowly decreasing since yesterday.” Her voice broke, but Maddie forced herself to go on, her lip trembling as she forced the words out. “He wants to keep watching it, to see if there’s any more change in the next twenty-four hours, before he can say anything for certain. But if it doesn’t improve, or if it… if he declines anymore…”

Hen immediately pulled Maddie into another embrace, holding her tight as she sobbed. “Maddie, you know Buck better than any of us. I know you know how strong he is, and how much of a fighter he is.”

Buck felt sick. Exactly as Christopher had told him it would, his body was beginning to die. He ached to pull Maddie into his arms and hold her until she stopped crying, though Hen doing exactly that did help ease the pain.

“The doctor suggested I locate Buck’s Living Will, to find out what he wants done in the case...” Maddie’s words broke off as she stepped away from Hen. She moved to stand beside the bed, laying her trembling hand over Buck’s. “I’m not giving up on you, Evan. Not yet. Hen is right, you’re a fighter.” She wiped a finger under her eyes, forcing a smile, trying to be strong for her brother. She squeezed his hand. “You’ll find a way to come back to us.”

It was then that Buck realized he couldn’t feel the pressure of her hand on his own.

“What the hell?” Buck mumbled, looking down at his hand, the same one Maddie was holding.

Feeling his panic rising, Buck squeezed his eyes shut. It was all too much. He had to get out of that room. When he finally dared to pry his eyes open, he was in the middle of his own apartment. Everything was the way he remembered leaving it the day of the accident. The bowl he’d used for his oatmeal that morning still sat in the sink, filled with water. His comforter was messily strewn across his unmade bed. The sun was just starting to stream in through the windows as the afternoon set in, the blinds half closed and giving the apartment a cool glow. The silence and solitude was a welcome reprieve from being surrounded by conversations he couldn’t join and emotions he couldn’t handle.

Alone in the quiet apartment, Buck finally let himself begin to process. His body was dying, and he had no idea how to stop it. It was the only explanation. Looking down at the hand that Maddie had touched, his eyes filled with tears. He hadn’t realized how much he could sense his body until he no longer could. He felt like a row boat that had become detached from the dock, and he was starting to float out into the deep blue oblivion.

He wasn’t sure how long he stayed like that, lost in thoughts and tears, but he was only brought out of it when he suddenly realized the apartment was dark. Time passed so strangely for him, and he still hadn’t gotten used to it. Unsure of what time it was, Buck worried he was scaring Christopher by being gone so long. With a quick blink he was back in the Diaz living room, just as Eddie and Chris were returning from Abuela’s. It was late, and Christopher was already asleep in Eddie’s arms as he shut and locked the door. The little boy’s innocent face smooshed into his father’s shoulder was enough to bring a soft smile to Buck’s lips for the first time that evening. He waited for Eddie to get Chris ready for bed and tucked in before he entered the bedroom, going straight to the same spot that he had taken the night before. It was right in Christopher’s line of sight, just in case he woke up afraid in the middle of the night.

He sat down on the floor, staring at Christopher’s peaceful face. What was he going to tell the boy? That he was right all along? That there really was no hope for his survival? He dropped his face into his hands as the tears finally came.

He knew exactly what his Will said.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here 🧻 take these tissues with you 😚

The next day brought another day of school for Christopher and another day of work for Eddie. With a 24 hour shift ahead of him, Eddie already felt like he might collapse at any given second. A night of tossing and turning had kept him from getting a decent amount of sleep, but that seemed to be the case most nights as of late. Sleep only really came when exhaustion shut down his thoughts.

As he headed into the station, politely nodding to anyone who greeted him, he kept his face blank. He wasn’t in the mood for pleasantries, much less a conversation, and he was thankful that everyone he passed seem to understand that. After a quick stop in the locker room to change, Eddie headed up to the loft and straight for the coffee pot. Bobby was finishing up cooking breakfast, but the contented smile he usually wore while cooking for his team had been replaced by a soft frown, lines of worry creasing his brow. Chim was unusually silent as he set the table, void of any funny anecdote or lame joke. Hen was sat in the corner of the couch, head resting in her hand, dejectedly watching one of the newer recruits playing the video game that she and Buck often played together. Even the other firefighters in the station were moving a little slower, looking a little more down than usual. The entire station had been in a somber mood since the incident that put Buck in a coma. Though Eddie was getting a bit tired of people acting like Buck was dead, he was glad that nobody was trying to act like everything was normal.

“Good morning, Edmundo!” Chim cheered as he placed utensils out on the table. “What’s new with you?”

Eddie could plainly see that Chimney’s smile was forced, but he wasn’t in the mood to play pretend with him. He simply grunted in response, keeping his head down as he filled a mug with coffee. He ignored Chimney’s questioning brow raise as he moved to the other side of the loft, finding a seat in the corner beside the pinball machine. As he glanced up at the team from behind his coffee cup he could see Chimney bite his lip, Hen shooting the other man a surprised look. Chim just shrugged, letting it go in favor of finishing the table setting. Bobby was watching all of this go down from the corner of his eye as he dumped more eggs onto the heaping pile beside him. Shutting off the stove, the Captain moved the plate to the table.

“Breakfast is served!” Bobby hollered through the firehouse. “Eddie, you joining us?”

Eddie barely shrugged, turning his attention to his coffee. “Not hungry, Cap.”

Bobby sighed but didn’t push it, and for that, Eddie was grateful. “I brought a batch of chicken salad for everyone if you get hungry later.”

Eddie gave a thumbs up as a poor excuse for a thank you and sipped his coffee.

“Oh, Chim, I didn’t tell you what freaky thing happened at the hospital yesterday.” Hen took her seat at the table beside Chim as the other firefighters found their places and Bobby began passing around the plates of food. “So I was sitting there talking to Buck, and his IV tube moved all on its own.”

Chim shrugged, taking a bite of bacon. “So? It was probably the wind.”

“The wind from what? The closed window? The still air in the room?” Hen shook her head, looking like she thought he was the crazy one. “When it only moved once, I figured it was just my eyes playing tricks on me. But it moved a couple times, and then the whole damn machine moved. It must have moved at least a few inches. I swear, there’s something freaky hanging around Buck.”

“Maybe it’s good,” Bobby suggested. “Maybe he’s got a guardian angel.”

“Yeah, or maybe the wheel on the machine was loose,” Chim scoffed.

A yelp of surprise had all eyes land on Chim’s reddening face as leapt up from the table, his chair falling back onto the floor with a resounding thump.

“Did no one else just see that?!” he cried, pointing at his plate. “My bacon! It moved!”

“Are you feeling okay, Chim?” Bobby asked, glancing between the other man and the bacon laying perfectly still on the plate. “I promise the pig is dead.”

“Maybe it was the wind,” Hen threw Chimney’s words back at him with a chuckle.

Chim huffed, picking up his chair and sitting back down, his hands shaking as he picked his fork back up. “This is your fault, Hen. You got in my head.”

Eddie shook his head with a small huff of a laugh, going back to staring at the brown liquid swirling in his mug. The banter carried on around him, but Eddie tuned it all out. It was hard to enjoy anything without Buck around. Though he had lived his entire life up to joining the 118 without him, Eddie never wanted to return to a life devoid of Evan Buckley.

...

Eddie had stayed separated from the rest of the team for the rest of the day, doing his chores or hanging out in the corner on his own. All day there had been whispers and chatter about strange things happening. He was only doing little things, like pushing Chim’s coffee cup a noticeable few inches away from where he’d placed it, or making supplies disappear and reappear as Hen restocked the ambulances. Just enough to make his friends question their sanity a bit. He was causing mischief across the entire station, leaving a vibe of unease over the firehouse for the entire day. Buck was a little too pleased with himself for causing such a buzz.

The first few calls were pretty calm, though quite entertaining to someone with an outside perspective such as himself. A man with his foot stuck in the hole of a toilet bowl, a mugger who’d had the crap beaten out of him by the woman he tried to rob, and a teen who had gotten stuck trying to squeeze through the gate of a mansion. Buck only went along to have something to do, but he greatly enjoyed being able to openly laugh at people and their stupidity without getting a stern glare from Bobby.

It was a call they got later in the afternoon that turned Buck’s happy mood sour. An elderly man had collapsed at the home of his adult granddaughter. As they arrived, Buck immediately noticed the man standing in the corner of the room, looking confused and terrified as he stared at his own body lying on the floor. Hen and Chim immediately got to work on the man’s unresponsive body and Buck went straight to his spirit, giving him a soft smile when the man finally noticed him.

“What is going on?” The old man asked, voice shaking with fear. “Who are you? Why am I… How…?”

“I’m Buck,” the firefighter greeted softly. “It’s okay, you’re just outside of your body. I am too. What’s your name?”

“William,” he breathed, looking back at his body. “What is happening to me?”

Buck followed his eyes to see Hen attaching leeds to the sides of William’s chest as Eddie did chest compressions. “You’ve exited your body, just like I did. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re dead. Can you feel anything that they’re doing?”

“No,” the man shook his head. “Maybe? I don’t-- oh my…”

The man looked up into the air, all of the worry and fear that had been etched across his wrinkled face replaced by wide-eyed awe. Buck followed his gaze and felt a deep warmth overtake him at the sight of a pure white light. It was the brightest thing he had ever seen, but somehow he was able to look directly into it. He felt like he was standing in a warm sunbeam on a cold winter day. Tears streamed down Buck’s cheeks as he stared. All at once the fear, confusion, and sorrow that had been swirling in Buck’s chest since he became aware of himself as a spirit melted away, leaving him with only peace. It was the most serene Buck had ever felt.

The old man walked right passed Buck and into the light, a wide smile on his face. Buck watched William disappear into the brightness, and without thinking he started to follow him. It was just so warm and inviting. Buck had never felt so happy and calm.

“I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Eddie’s timbre pulled Buck’s attention away from the light, and instantly it vanished. Suddenly Buck found himself back in the living room, his team surrounding the man’s body still lying on the floor. Eddie looked like he was close to tears as the granddaughter collapsed into his chest, sobbing hysterically. As his emotions flooded back into his chest, Buck quickly closed his eyes before he could become overwhelmed. The moment he saw the view of Los Angeles from the roof of the firehouse, he collapsed to his hands and knees, tears dripping from his eyes as every emotion the light had erased hit him in a head-on collision.

...

It was much later in the evening when the topic of Buck came up once again. Most of the team were seated around the lounge area as a movie played on the TV. Some were watching it, others were only using it as background noise while they read or played on their phones, a few were somewhere in between. Eddie was curled up in the corner of the couch, staring at the screen with unseeing eyes. His mind was somewhere else completely until Hen’s voice broke the silence, her question striking him like a slap across the face.

“Has Maddie found Buck’s Will yet?”

Eddie snapped around to find Hen. She was seated at one of the smaller tables with Chim and Bobby, mugs in front of each of them. With Her arms folded on the table top, she leaned toward Chimney, keeping her voice low as to not disturb the others.

“Yeah, last night. And apparently, our Buckaroo is a hero in life and death,” Chim replied, a tone of adoration under the dejection. “It basically said he wants the plug pulled and his organs donated.”

“I’m not surprised.” Bobby smiled ruefully, shaking his head as he sipped his coffee, a deep sadness in his eyes.

Hen hissed a curse, her voice breaking. “When?”

Chimney sighed. “Soon, probably, considering how things are going.”

“What the hell?!” Eddie all but yelled across the loft, practically flying up off the couch. “Are you serious? Maddie’s giving up on Buck already?”

“Watch it, Eddie,” Chim snapped, shooting the other man a glare. “She hasn’t “given up” on Buck. But the reality is, his brain function is declining. There’s nothing else the doctors can do at this point.”

The anger in Eddie’s chest was second only to pure devastation. “What?”

Hen, Chim, and Bobby shared a glance, the eldest of the trio furrowing his brow in confusion.

“You didn’t know about that?” Bobby asked softly, to which Eddie slowly shook his head.

“Of course he didn’t,” Chim spat. “He hasn’t been around.”

Hen smacked his arm. “Chim!”

Chim threw his hands up in the air. “What, Hen? He’d be up to date on Buck’s condition if he actually visited his so-called “best friend” or checked in on any of us. Tell me I’m wrong.”

“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Han,” Eddie growled, clenching his fists.

“I’m talking about the fact that you’ve been a mopey little brat this entire time, as if you’re the only one hurting!” Chim shouted, standing up to face Eddie head on as the other man stalked toward him menacingly. Chim didn’t flinch. “So yeah, I think I know what I’m talking about!”

Eddie’s eyes hardened as he towered over Chimney. “You better shut the hell up before I shut you up.”

“Alright, that’s enough,” Bobby commanded, stepping between the two.

Eddie turned on his heel and marched toward the stairs. He had to get away from the other man before he did something he would regret.

“Even your son has been to see him, but you haven’t. Why?” Chim called to Eddie’s retreating back. The taller man froze at the top of the stairs, shoulders stiffening. “Don’t you think he’d want you there, Eddie?”

“Not when I’m the reason he’s there,” Eddie stated flatly before continuing down the stairs.

“What the hell is wrong with you, Chim?” Hen hissed. “You know he’s hurting worse than any of us right now.”

Eddie didn’t hear Chimney’s reply, too focused on getting to the relative privacy of the locker room before he broke. He sat heavily on the bench, dropping his head into his hands and taking a deep breath. A familiar chill brushed against his shoulder, sending a shiver down his spine, but nothing was there when he looked up. Before he could really consider the strange feeling, Chim appeared in the doorway. Hen stood right behind him, nudging him forward like a mother forcing her children to hug and make up after an argument. Chim shoved his hands into his pockets awkwardly, inching closer to Eddie.

“I’m sorry, Eddie,” Chim began, glancing to Hen for approval. She motioned for him to continue. “I’m stressed out trying to keep Maddie sane, not to mention going through my own grief. Buck is like an annoying little brother to me, ya know? I love the kid. I guess... I kind of took it out on you.”

“It’s fine,” Eddie waved him off, turning his attention to his own hands. If he saw even a glimmer of emotion in the other man’s eyes, Eddie knew he would break.

“It’s not. I shouldn’t have said what I said. Everyone grieves differently. I’m sorry. I know how hard this whole thing has been on you.”

“No, you don’t,” Eddie groaned, scrubbing his hand over his face. He finally looked up at the older man. Glancing to Hen still at the door, he nodded his head as a way of inviting her into the room. “But that’s not your fault. I haven’t exactly been… open, I guess.”

“What the hell happened in that building, Eddie?” Hen softly asked, shutting the door and taking a seat beside him on the bench.

Chim leaned against the lockers in front of them, crossing his arms and his ankles. “You both checked in, and then the next thing we know, you’re carrying Buck out of the building.”

His eyes burned every time he blinked, his shoulders ached with how tense he was, but the strange coolness that lingered on Eddie’s shoulder somehow eased the tightness in his chest.

“I was distracted,” Eddie finally admitted, lacking the energy to push his voice out much louder than a whisper. “I didn’t notice the ceiling was burning until it flashed above me. I dove for cover, but I was so disoriented by it I didn’t move fast enough. I couldn’t get up quick enough.” Immediately his eyes teared up and he pursed his lips, trying to keep himself from breaking down. He heaved a sigh, wiping his tears from his eyes before they could fall. “And then I heard the ceiling start to cave in, and suddenly Buck was on top of me.”

“He saved you?” Hen breathed, a proud smile pulling at her lips.

Eddie nodded, taking a moment to swallow the sob attempting to tear its way out of his throat before he continued. “I couldn’t reach my radio with him pinning me down, so I couldn’t call for help. There was… there was so much blood. I could feel it on my neck. I thought he was...” His words came out as a whimper, but there was no stopping it now. “By the time I managed to get out from under him, there wasn’t much time. The building was about to collapse. I didn’t even check if he was alive, I just… I had to get him out of there. But then he wasn’t...” Eddie’s voice broke. “He wasn’t breathing. And I don’t know when he stopped. Even if he does wake up, there’s no telling how much damage that caused. If he’ll ever be my Buck again.”

Eddie’s tears finally broke free as he choked on his own breath, wrapping his arms around himself. Hen laid a hand on his back, but he found himself drawing more comfort from the cool pressure on his shoulder than Hen’s warmth.

“I will always love Buck,” he whispered, staring at the floor. “No matter who he is after this. But… That’s if he even wakes up. God, if he doesn’t wake up…” Eddie bowed his head, his shoulders shaking with the force of holding in his emotions.

“What happened wasn’t your fault, Eddie,” Hen whispered, rubbing his back. “Buck covered you because he cares about you. It was his choice, not yours.”

“What were you distracted by?” Chim asked suddenly, a slight hesitation in his voice.

Eddie looked up, confused. “What?”

“Chim...” Hen warned.

“You said you were distracted.” Chim continued anyway, brows knitted together in thought. Eddie could see his eyes glistening, but the man kept his voice even. “By what?”

A flush overtook Eddie’s face, fresh tears spilling over as he looked away.

Hen met Chim’s eyes, a disapproving glare earning her a shrug from the man. “Eddie, you don’t have to--”

“I was going to tell him,” Eddie blurted out, his chest tightening as his heart pounded against his ribs. His voice was soft and careful as he continued, struggling to keep himself from shattering completely. “After our shift. I was finally going to tell him.”

Hen pulled Eddie into her arms, but he wished with everything in him that Buck was the one holding him at that moment. None of the three seemed to notice the sound of glass cracking around them.

“And now I won’t get to,” Eddie whispered brokenly against Hen’s shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut tight. “And it’s because of me.”

Eddie heard a soft whisper at the very instant the glass walls of the locker room shattered. It was like an invisible bomb had gone off within the room, sending glass out in every direction. Hen, Chim, and Eddie barely covered their heads enough to protect themselves from the shards. As quickly as it happened, it was over, leaving the entire firehouse in a stunned silence. The three at the center of the chaos hesitantly looked up, meeting the shocked and terrified eyes of their coworkers outside what was left of the locker room.

Bobby practically flew down the stairs, eyes wide as he took in the mess. “What the hell just happened?!”

The three of them looked at each other as if one of them had the answer. Each of them were covered in small scratches and cuts, but seemed to be fine otherwise.

“Not really sure, Cap,” Chim waved, an awkward, confused grin on his face. “But I think we’re okay.”

“Did you guys hear that?” Eddie asked.

“You mean every glass wall around us shattering?” Hen quipped. “Yeah, kinda hard to miss.”

“No, just before.” Eddie’s brow furrowed, realizing the cool pressure from before was gone. He felt a bit lost without it. “I could’ve sworn I heard someone say something.”

Hen shot Chim a look. “I’m telling you, there’s some weird juju happening around here.”

“Why don’t you three get patched up and then continue this conversation while you clean up this mess?” Bobby suggested, crossing his arms like a disapproving father.

The three shared another look and a shrug. Eddie wiped his eyes as he reluctantly stood, following Hen and Chim toward the bathroom to clean themselves up. As glass crunched under their boots, the words “it wasn’t your fault” echoed through Eddie’s mind.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TheObligatedKlutz, bisexualbucks, y'all are the best 💛🧡

Buck was more than a little hurt that Eddie hadn’t been by to see him since the incident, but at the same time, he understood. Eddie felt responsible, regardless of the fact that he'd had no choice in the matter. It was a decision that Buck made and would make again without hesitation. But aside from any guilt that may be keeping him away, Eddie was a single father who worked long hours. He didn’t have the time to waste at his bedside, and Buck was happy that he wasn’t. He would much rather Eddie spend his time with his son and take care of himself than waste hours pointlessly holding his hand, no matter how nice that sounded. Eddie sitting in an uncomfortable chair beside what was basically Buck’s corpse wouldn’t bring him back any faster.

But at least now he knew that Eddie loved him, and that put the biggest smile on Buck’s face.

Even if he may never get the chance to tell him he loved him too.

The rest of the evening was silent for Buck. After accidentally shattering the locker room walls, he'd decided to keep to himself for the rest of the evening to minimize the chance of damage. He found himself a perch up on a beam in the rafters, something he had always wanted to do but never could, kicking his legs back and forth as his thoughts lingered on Eddie’s words. He had considered going home to see Chris, but the selfless little boy had asked him to watch over Eddie, and that was a job that Buck would take seriously no matter his state of being. Even after he had decided to keep to himself, he still followed along on calls, keeping an eye on Eddie and their team. He wasn’t exactly sure what he would be able to do to help them if something were to happen, but if he could write in condensation and break things, he could probably find some way to help his friends if he needed to. He would figure it out on the fly, like he did everything else.

From his perch, he could see the entire station. It was barren and quiet as all but one firefighter tried to get some sleep in the bunk room. Despite how late it was, Bobby sat up in the corner of the couch, feet propped up on the table and crossed at the ankle, a book in hand. Bobby never slept much at the station as it was, but based on the dark circles under his eyes, it was obvious that he had been getting much less than the minimal hours he usually got. The sound of a door opening and closing brought Buck’s attention away from his Captain and to the front of the station where Athena had just walked in. She was still in uniform, shoulders relaxed and eyes tired, telling Buck that she had just gotten off shift. Bobby stood up at the sound of the door, and the way the Captain’s face lit up when he saw her approaching the stairs made Buck’s chest warm.

“Hey,” Bobby greeted softly, meeting her at the top of the stairs with a peck on the lips. “What are you doing here?”

“I was on my way home. Thought I’d stop by and see how you were doing.”

The smile slipped away from Bobby’s face, replaced by a sorrow Buck hadn’t seen there many times and hoped to never see again. “As good as can be expected. How are you?”

“It’s Buck,” Athena scoffed, a fond smile lighting up her tired eyes. “That boy is a walking miracle. How many times has he seen Death’s face and slapped it? As long as he’s still breathing, even if it’s a machine doing it for him, I’m going to keep believing that he still has a chance. It’s not over until it’s over.”

And just like always, Athena brought the smile back to Bobby’s face. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” She patted his chest, leaning up to kiss his cheek.

As the pair settled in on the couch, Buck took that as his queue to give them some privacy. In the blink of an eye, he found himself back up on the roof. The view was spectacular day or night, and Buck settled in to watch the city he called home continue on without him. Repeating Athena’s words in his mind stoked the dying fire of hope within him, bringing the flames back to life. Even if he couldn’t save himself, it was nice to know that the people he loved believed in him.

...

It was nearing 3AM and the scene was a mess. Chim was tasked with checking over the drunk driver, who had already been cuffed and sat on the sidewalk, seemingly unharmed aside from a gash on his forehead. Hen, Eddie, and a few others took to handling the two young women in the car that had been t-boned. The brunette in the passenger seat was awake and alert, sobbing as she begged them to save her wife, who had taken the brunt of the impact. She sat unresponsive in the driver's seat, leaning back against the headrest, her blonde hair matted with blood.

As the team set to work, Buck stood back watching, wishing he could jump in and help. They made quick work of cutting the girls out of the car, getting the blonde on a backboard and flat on the ground. When Hen called out that she wasn’t breathing, Buck could feel the agony in the other girl’s anguished scream. One of the other medics held her back as she clawed at his arms, trying to get to the other girl.

“Oh my god…”

The gasp came from beside him, and Buck spun to see the blonde girl standing next to him, watching helplessly as Hen did chest compressions on her body. She looked confused, but most of all horrified.

“I’m so sorry,” Buck breathed. “But you’re--”

“No... please...” the girl sobbed, covering her mouth with her hands as she watched the team desperately attempt to bring her back.

“I don’t think you can really do much once you leave your body,” Buck shrugged helplessly. “I wish we cou--”

Buck’s words died on his lips when the white light appeared beside the girl. It was impossible not to stare into its enticing glow again.

“No!” the girl cried, tears rolling down her ghostly face as she shook her head, tearing her gaze away from the light. “No, I can’t… I can’t leave her! We just got married! I don’t want to leave her!.”

Buck watched the girl take off running over to her own body, a sadness weighing him down as she glanced between her wife and her own body lying on the ground. The spirit of the girl laid down on top of her body, disappearing into it like she’d passed right through it and into the ground, and Buck watched in fascination. The girl’s determination was admirable. Slowly, the light began to fade away starting at the edges, closing up completely by the time Eddie shouted out that they had a pulse. Buck’s world tilted, sending him into a spiral of confusion.

Was that all he needed to do?

The brunette dropped to her knees beside her wife, petting her hair gently as Hen and Eddie continued to work on her, smiles on both of the girls' faces. He wanted that. He wanted to look into Eddie’s eyes and see him staring back at him, not through him. He wanted to touch him, to feel his skin on his fingertips, to feel his lips on his.

He wanted to tell Eddie he loved him too.

He wanted to live.

In the blink of an eye, he was back in his hospital room. Looking at himself always felt strange. Since his last visit they had reduced the amount of gauze to a narrow band that laid across his forehead and wrapped around his head. Buck was more than relieved to see his hair was still there, if a bit dirty and messy. He reached out to touch his own scruffy face, hesitant fingers going right through without feeling, and he cursed under his breath. There was no way to ease into it, he had to just go for it, so he laid down on the bed within his own body.

And nothing happened.

He opened his eyes, sitting up and looking back at his own sleeping face. He huffed and laid back down, concentrating on trying to grab hold of his own body and make it move.

"It's not going to work."

Buck was startled by the voice. He wasn't used to people other than Chris talking to him, and the deep feminine voice definitely did not belong to Christopher Diaz. He sat up to find a woman staring at him with a half grin, arms folded and hip cocked out to the side. Buck looked around the room to see if perhaps the woman was addressing a visitor he hadn't noticed, but found nothing.

"Yes, Buck, I'm talking to you."

Well that answered that question.

"Who… who are you?" he asked, cautiously standing up from the bed to face her. “How do you know my name?”

"I’m the Angel of Death."

Buck blinked, his gut twisting. "Like… the Grim Reaper?"

“I hate that name.” The women rolled her dark eyes. "Call me Eleonora. I was in the neighborhood and I wanted to finally meet you.”

She took a step toward him and Buck panicked, backing up. If she was there to collect his soul, he wasn’t going to go willingly. "I'm not ready to die."

Eleonora snickered, her dark curls bouncing as she shook her head. "Relax, I'm not taking you. At least… not tonight. Unless you want to?"

“I don’t.”

“Understood.” She raised her hands in surrender, backing up to give him a bit more room to relax.

“Wait…” Buck felt like he was trying to solve a puzzle, to which he didn’t have all the pieces. “Why didn’t I see you today when that old guy died? And when that girl almost died?”

“Because I didn’t want you to. Who do you think opened up the portal?” she smirked.

“But how… the girl didn’t die. She got back into her body,” Buck stated, brow furrowed. “But the guy didn’t. So… so what? Did the guy want to die? Because I definitely don’t want to die, but I was trying to get back into my body like that girl did tonight and it was like I was passing through a door or something.”

"I’m not about to explain the intricacies of souls to you, Buck. I don’t have the time or the patience,” she chuckled. “Maybe when you cross over, we can have coffee and I’ll explain it. But for right now, all you need to know is that your connection your body is incredibly weak."

“But how did this happen?”

She let out an exasperated huff, leveling him with a look of indignation. “It’s because of all your little Patrick Swayze tricks. The more you interact with the living realm as a spirit, the more detached you become from your body. Which reminds me.” With a sigh, Eleonora visibly softened. “I know you made a promise to that adorable little Medium, but you can’t stay on earth once your body dies.”

Buck tensed, as if he could physically fight the words she spoke. “I’m not leaving Christopher.”

“I mean, technically you can stay, it’s your choice, but you’ll go crazy. You know all those freaky ghost stories? About possessions, hauntings, freak accidents that can’t be explained? That’s the work of spirits who stayed too long.”

“I don’t understand… Can’t I fight it? I’d never hurt anyone.”

“Trust me, if anyone could, I’d put my money on you,” she grinned. “But it’s not something you can fight, Buck. Look at all the damage you’ve done already. All your little outbursts? All the things you’ve broken? That’s just the beginning. Haven’t you noticed how you keep doing more and more damage with every outburst?”

Thinking about it, he nodded slowly. It had gone from a simple crack in a mirror to shattering the whole locker room, and he hadn’t even realized he was doing it until it was over and the damage was done. His only warning sign was feeling overwhelmed by his emotions.

“Now I know you, Buck. I know you’re a stubborn son of a bitch, and I love that about you, but you need to realize something before you make the mistake of trying to fight it,” she insisted. “When you can no longer control it, you could kill the people you love just as easily as you destroyed that locker room.”

And that was enough to change his mind instantly. Just the thought of hurting Eddie or Christopher, or anyone in his found family, made Buck sick to his stomach. As much as he wanted to believe in himself, he already didn’t have the greatest track record of controlling his ghostly emotions. It was a risk he wasn’t willing to take.

"You know, you're like my white whale,” Eleonora mused, as she studied his ghostly face. “You’ve escaped me so many times. And right now I could just…" She snapped her fingers, making Buck flinch. "Snatch you up."

"If you can force me into the light, then why didn't you that night? Why make my family suffer by watching me die?" He gestured to the bed beside him.

“I can’t actually force you into the light, as much as I may want to just get it over with already. I’m tired of visiting you,” she rolled her eyes. "Besides, you weren't even the one who was supposed to die that night."

His emotions formed a pit in his stomach at the realization of her meaning, and he tried to swallow them down before they could get out of control. "No… You can't…” He shook his head, tears filling his eyes. “You can't take Eddie. Not yet."

"Relax, Buck.” She waved her hand dismissively. “I’m not taking him tonight or anything. You took his moment, and he doesn’t have one on today’s list, not that I’d be able to tell you if he did.”

Buck raised his brows in question. “His moment?”

"You know how some people say "it was their time" when someone dies?” she asked, and he nodded slowly. “Yeah, that's actually not far off. But if you survive that moment, either because you walked instead of getting into the uber, or some heroic dumbass dives on top of you and takes the moment from you,” she gave him a pointed look. "Then you live until your next moment. Moments aren’t written in stone, they’re just… opportunities. It's all about free will.” She grinned, pointing a finger at him. “And you, my dear, have survived every moment you've ever had. Most people only survive one or two before it sticks."

His head was spinning with new information, but he still tried to slow down so he could take it all in. "So it was Eddie’s time to die, and I took it from him?"

"Maybe. Or maybe I wanted you but knew you'd sacrifice yourself for him.” She shrugged, a mischievous spark in her eye. “But I can't say for sure. That's for me to know and you to wonder about late at night when you can't sleep."

"So is that it? Am I…” He looked back at his body. “Is it too late?"

"Like I said, you're the white whale,” she shrugged. “You're a survivor. I'm not saying yes or no, Buck. I can't, because that foresight will destroy free will. All I can say, though I really shouldn't, is this: miracles happen."

“Yeah…” Buck nodded, his lips curling up on the corners. He’d seen plenty of miracles with his own eyes, his favorites being Eddie and Christopher Diaz.

"Alright, I should get back to my list. I've got a lot of people to see tonight.”

"I have one more question for you."

Eleonora arched an eyebrow at him in question, a smirk on her lips. "Shoot."

"When I pass through people and things, I can't feel anything. But when I touch Eddie…" He wasn't quite sure how to describe the feeling at first, but as he thought about it, his smile widened. “It feels the way standing in the light felt.”

She chuckled, shaking her head. "You already know the answer to that, Buck."

With a wink, Eleonora disappeared, leaving Buck in stunned silence. What the hell did she even mean by that?

“If I knew, I wouldn’t have asked…” Buck grumbled to himself, glancing back at his own body.

In a blink, he was back in the firehouse, right next to the man he had thought of to appear there. Eddie was passed out on one of the cots in the dark bunk room, an arm slung over his eyes, his mouth set in a frown as he mumbled nonsense. His body was tense and rigid, twitching slightly, and Buck knew immediately. Without thinking, he reached out to do what he always did when he noticed Eddie having a nightmare. His hand passed right through Eddie’s hair, just as he expected it would, but there was the feeling again. Almost instantly Eddie relaxed into the mattress with a soft smile and a contented sigh. Fresh tears welled up in Buck’s eyes as he slowly passed his hand over Eddie’s hair and cheek, love and sorrow swirling together in his chest.

Eleonora was right.

He always knew the answer.

...

As much as Eddie longed for sleep after his shift was over, he was happy to have a Saturday off. With a wave goodbye to his team as they headed to their respective vehicles, Eddie was off to enjoy the day with his son. The previous day’s conversations and revelations echoed in his mind as he drove, but he tried his best to push them away. Despite his decline, Eddie wasn’t ready to give up on his best friend just yet. So until Buck visited Christopher, Eddie would keep believing that he would find a way back to them.

Sometimes it came in handy to have his own little ghost radar.

As soon as he had his keys in the door, he could hear Christopher holler out to Tia Peppa that he was home, and Eddie couldn’t fight his smile. He pushed open the door in time to see Christopher hurrying down the hall toward him with a blinding smile, his crutches clacking on the floor.

“Hey, bud!” Eddie greeted, shutting the door behind him.

“Hi, Dad!” Christopher cheered. “Hi, Buck!”

Christopher froze mid-step, slapping his hands over his mouth as his eyes went wide behind his glasses.

Suddenly, Eddie forgot how to breathe.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO THIS IS THE CHAPTER THAT I'VE BEEN WAITING TO POST SINCE THE CONCEPTION OF THIS FIC

A wave of emotion hit Eddie like the tsunami that nearly washed away everything he loved. His blood turned to ice in his veins as a knot formed in his chest. He could barely take in enough oxygen to speak.

“Christopher…” Eddie began carefully, trying to blink away the tears as they threatened to blur his vision. He knew his voice was shaking, but he didn’t have enough energy to keep it even and keep himself from screaming out in agony as every ounce of hope he’d been holding onto shattered in his hands. “Y-you see him?”

Christopher slowly nodded, still holding his own mouth shut with his hands as tears broke free and tumbled down his rosey cheeks.

"For how long?"

"A couple days," Christopher murmured, his words hitched with a little sob.

Even as his own emotions raged inside him, Eddie dropped to his knees and pulled Chris into a firm embrace, hand combing through his curls soothingly. “Shh, it’s okay. I’m not mad. I’m just…” He was at a loss for words because he really didn’t know what he was feeling more of. Sorrow? Anger? Disappointment? None of it was directed at Christopher, or even Buck, but he felt it all nonetheless. He huffed a bitter laugh. “I don’t really know, to be honest.”

"What is all this?" Tia Peppa's voice called as she turned the corner from the kitchen. "Eddie, Christopher, what is going on?"

Pressing a soft kiss to Christopher’s curls, Eddie met Peppa's gaze. "He sees Buck."

"You mean Buck is…"

"No," Eddie cut her off, shaking his head. "Not yet. And we're not giving up hope yet. You hear me, Buck? We’re not giving up on you yet, and neither should you."

“He just left, but he heard you,” Chris whispered into his father’s shoulder. “It’s okay, though, he said he’d always come back before bedtime.”

Eddie leaned back to look at his little boy, taking Christopher’s tear-soaked face into his hands. Despite the cocktail of emotions swirling through Eddie’s chest, he kept his voice soft and even as he spoke. “Christopher, why didn’t you tell me when you first saw him?”

“I didn’t want you to stop hoping.” His small voice broke, and so did Eddie’s heart. “Papi came to see me and then died. I’m scared Buck will, too.”

“Chris, Papi was old,” Eddie explained, brushing his son’s curls off his forehead tenderly. “He was ready to go, but Buck isn’t. He doesn’t want to leave you.”

He sniffled. “How do you know?”

“Because I know Buck,” Eddie smiled. “I know he loves you as much as I do. And I know if it were me, I would be fighting tooth and nail to get back to you.”

That seemed to satisfy the boy, who simply nodded in understanding and burrowed his face back into the crook of Eddie’s neck. He lifted Chris into his arms as he stood.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Peppa whispered, lovingly patting Eddie on the arm. “Call me if you need anything.”

“Thank you, Tia,” Eddie smiled sadly.

As Peppa left, he moved himself and Chris to the couch, keeping his son held tight to his chest as he softly wept. Eddie had a lot of things running through his mind at the moment, but he pushed all of it aside to make room for Christopher. He would process his own emotions soon.

“Christopher?” Eddie asked gently, and the little boy sat up enough to look at him. “Can you tell me what you know about all of this?”

Christopher sighed, pushing his glasses up as they slid down his nose. “Not much,” he said. “Just that… Buck said he’d stay with me, even if he dies. He promised he wouldn’t go into the light like Mommy did.”

Eddie took a deep breath to keep himself from breaking down at his words. Of course Buck would choose Christopher over paradise. “Has he told you anything else?”

Christopher shook his head, wiping his cheeks dry with his shirt sleeve. “Just that he’s not giving up yet.”

“Of course he hasn’t. Buck doesn’t give up.” With a soft smile, Eddie kissed Christopher’s forehead. “And neither should we.”

…

The moment he appeared inside his loft, a symphony of shattering glass greeted him. Buck crumpled to the floor, screaming into his hands as he heard the windows start to crack. He was dying. There was no way to get back into his body and he was going to have to leave his family behind. He would have to break his promise to Christopher. No amount of faith and hope was going to save him. His body was declining rapidly, and he wouldn’t be surprised if Maddie followed the orders of his Will soon. It wasn’t her fault, and he knew that she would never give up on him if he hadn’t put his wishes into writing, but that was exactly why he had. He never wanted her to have to make that decision. But at that moment, as he brokenly sobbed in his empty apartment, he wished with his entire soul that he could change it all. He would never regret saving Eddie, would never take back his sacrifice for even a second, he just wished he’d had more time. More time with his family, with Christopher.

More time with Eddie.

He choked and sputtered as he got himself under control, looking around at the empty apartment. He’d gone there to avoid causing chaos at Eddie’s, which had been a good choice considering the broken glass that littered the apartment. But also so Christopher wouldn’t see him break. He wasn’t ready to tell him that he wouldn’t be able to stay with him like he’d promised, or to tell him that there was no hope left.

But Eddie needed to know.

Wiping his face, he closed his eyes, opening them to find Christopher quietly watching a cartoon in the living room. Down the hall, he could hear the shower running. He sat down on the edge of the coffee table, giving Chris a reassuring smile when the little boy waved at him.

“Hi, Buck,” Chris all but whispered, obviously tired from crying. Buck could relate.

“Hey, buddy. I’m sorry I had to leave so quick.”

Christopher shrugged. “It’s okay.”

Buck heard the shower shut off and he stood. “Okay, I gotta go talk to your dad now.”

Christopher’s nose scrunched up. “How?”

“I’ve got a way,” Buck assured, shooting the boy a wink. “But can you do me a favor and come with me for a sec?”

“Yep!” Chris cheered, hurrying to get off the couch and follow Buck down the hall.

“Can you tell your dad not to open the door, but ask him if he’s dressed?” Buck asked, leaning down to whisper conspiratorially. “I don’t wanna see him in his undies.”

Christopher laughed as he knocked on the door. “Dad! Don’t open the door, kay?”

“Okay…?” Eddie called back, drawing out the word. “Why not?”

“Buck wants to talk to you. Are you dressed?”

“I mean… mostly, yeah. Come on in, Buck.”

Buck gave Chris a thumbs up before passing through the door, pleased to find the bathroom still steamy from Eddie’s hot shower. The man in question stood beside the tub, watching the door with a furrowed brow as he dried his hair with a towel. His sweatpants were low on his hips, his top half bare and still glistening with droplets of water, and Buck had to force himself to tear his eyes away and focus.

“You in here, Buck?” Eddie asked softly into the small bathroom, glancing around as if he could catch a glimpse of Buck.

Eleonora had warned him against interacting with the living world, but Buck figured the damage had already been done. He reached over the sink and ran his finger across the fogged up mirror, and Eddie noticed immediately. “Hi, Eddie :)” was all he wrote, and Buck was pleased that it brought a smile to his best friend’s face.

“Wait, was that you, Buck? The IV line Hen saw? Chim's bacon?" Eddie asked, his eyes growing wide with the realization. "Did you break the locker room?"

“I’m really glad I don’t have to pay for that,” Buck mumbled to himself, writing a simple “oops” on the mirror that elicited an amused snort from Eddie.

“Man, that was a hassle to clean up. You owe me for that when you get back.”

Buck’s heart cracked a little more, and he struggled to push down his emotions before he broke something else. “I have to cross over,” Buck wrote, cutting right to the chase.

Like a switch had been flipped, Eddie’s mood went from teasing to devastated, a twinge of anger in his voice. “What do you mean you “have to?” Christopher said you promised him you’d stay.”

Buck sighed, writing as quickly as he could. “I’ll hurt him & you. I can’t.”

“Does he know yet?”

Eddie sighed in frustration when Buck wrote the word “no,” fresh tears shining in his eyes. “I don’t understand, but I trust you. I know you wouldn’t break a promise without a reason.” He wiped his eyes, lip trembling as his voice broke. “I’m so sorry, Buck. This is all my fault. I should have been paying attention. I should have gotten you out faster. I should...” He cleared his throat, trying to force his voice out more steadily. “I should be the one dying, not you.”

Buck started furiously writing on the mirror, hoping he could keep his emotions pushed down far enough that he wouldn’t end up breaking the mirror. “Not your fault. I’d do it again. I want you to live.”

Eddie stared at the words for a long moment, taking in a deep breath and slowly letting it out. “You’ve saved me more times than I can count. I wish I could save you.”

Reaching out hesitantly, Buck tried to lay a hand on Eddie’s arm. Eddie gasped as a shudder ran through his body. Buck’s eyes widened as he felt that same energy again and Eddie looked right toward him, though his gaze landed on the door behind Buck.

“That was you this whole time?” Eddie breathed.

Buck pulled his hand away, turning back to write one more thing as the steam began to fade at the edges of the mirror. The little heart brought a small smile to Eddie’s face.

…

Deciding to let them have some time alone, Buck left the Diaz home for his hospital room, morbidly curious to find out if he would have any visitors that day. He was pleasantly surprised to find a familiar face in his room, even more so by who it was. Athena stood beside his bed, staring at him with a fondness in her eyes he usually only saw when she looked at her kids. Leaning over the railing, she placed a soft kiss to Buck’s scruffy cheek, the tenderness of the moment bringing tears to Buck’s eyes.

She covered his hand with hers and took the seat beside him, settling in to watch him sleep. He hated that he couldn’t feel the pressure of her hand, but he pushed that thought away as quickly as he could. He settled into the corner of the room, watching the stoic woman carefully. Her face was calm, lips pursed. If it weren’t for the glisten in her eyes that made Buck’s heart twist, an outsider wouldn’t think she cared at all. But with or without tears or motherly kisses, Buck knew.

They sat there for a long time, Buck watching Athena rub her thumb across his knuckles as she sat there in silence. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed before another presence entered the room, and Buck felt his heart warm. Bobby wrapped his arms around Athena’s shoulders from behind, kissing her cheek and resting his head on her shoulder.

“What did the doctor say?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

Bobby released a heavy sigh, and Buck felt his stomach twist at the sight of tears in his eyes. “Nothing good.”

She laid a hand on his arm, squeezing Buck’s hand with the other. “So that’s it then?”

Bobby nodded, his voice shaking. “But at least we can be here for him in the meantime.”

Buck wasn’t sure exactly what they were talking about, but based on the way Athena closed her eyes and leaned her head against Bobby’s, he knew it wasn’t good. Bobby pressed another kiss to her cheek and moved around the bed, taking up the second chair and Buck’s other hand. Buck’s heart broke a little bit more as Bobby swiped a hand across his eyes.

...

A knock on the door sent a surge of anxiety through Eddie’s chest. It wasn’t often that he got unexpected visitors, and considering the current situation, he knew that it couldn’t be good news on his doorstep. He extracted himself from Christopher’s side, telling him to stay put as the little boy’s eyes never left the television. The visitor knocked again, and Eddie huffed in annoyance, his gut twisting with dread.

When he opened the door to reveal Maddie, with eyes that held a deep sorrow and unshed tears, his heart dropped into the pit of his stomach. “Oh god… Is Buck--?”

“No,” she cut him off, holding up a hand to stop his train of thought before it could leave the station. “At least not--” She paused, sighed. “We need to talk.”

Glancing back to Christopher curled up on the couch, he motioned toward the porch chairs. “Can we talk out here? Chris is inside.”

“Of course.” She moved to take a seat, and he took up the one beside her. “I’m sorry for just dropping by unannounced.”

“It’s fine,” he assured. “You wanna tell me what this is about?”

Her hands were shaking, even as she clasped them together on her lap, and she kept her eyes fixed on them. He let her take her time, watching her carefully, almost expecting her to shatter at any second. She was strong, he knew that, but everyone has their breaking point, and he knew that hers could be just around the corner. Though they didn’t share many of the same features, he could see her resemblance to Buck in the way her eyes betrayed her emotions when she finally met his gaze.

“I’m here because there’s been an update on Buck, and it’s not something you should hear over the phone.”

Eddie’s stomach dropped as the chill of dread rushed through his veins. He already knew he didn’t want to hear whatever she was about to say.

“You already know that Buck’s brain function has been decreasing, right?”

He nodded, but kept his lips in a firm line.

“Right, so… I located Buck’s Living Will, and it stated that--”

“I’m aware of what it said,” Eddie snapped, gripping the arms of his chair. “I heard it from Chim yesterday.”

“He doesn’t want to be a vegetable, Eddie. And I don’t want that, either.” Her voice wavered, but she kept her shoulders straight and her head held high. If Eddie hadn’t been so blinded by rage, he would have been impressed by her strength. “And Buck wants to donate his organs. So that’s what’s happening.”

“So you’re giving up on him?!” Eddie shouted, shooting up from his seat.

“I am not giving up on my brother!” Maddie shot up too, her eyes alight with offence. “This is going to be the hardest thing I ever have to do, Eddie, but it is my duty as his sister to follow through with Buck’s wishes.”

“His wish is to live!” Eddie cried.

“He’s practically braindead, Eddie!”

Eddie flinched back a step, her words cutting through him like a knife.

“I love my baby brother more than anything. As much as I want to hold onto the hope that he’ll survive this, it’s time to face the fact that Buck isn’t coming back from this.” Tears poured down her flushed cheeks. “He’s already gone.”

He shook his head, but didn’t say anything. He tasted the salt of his own tears, but he didn’t care if she saw him cry. He didn’t care about anything at the moment.

“He wants to donate his organs,” she repeated, crossing her arms over her chest as she looked away from Eddie. “He wants to be a hero one last time. We’re lucky, really, that he died in a way that allowed him to donate. He gets to live on in a way.”

“He’s not dead,” Eddie growled, clenching his fists.

Maddie sighed again, pushing her hair behind her ear as she met his hard gaze with one of her own. “As of tomorrow, he will be.”

Eddie thought for a second that his heart stopped beating. “What?”

“At 11:00 AM tomorrow morning, Buck will be taken off life support and his organs will be donated. Bobby has made sure that the whole team has the day off to say goodbye.” She paused, wiping the tears from her face before meeting his hard stare with one of her own. “I hope you’ll be there, because I know Buck would want you to be.”

Without waiting for a response, she marched down the steps, leaving Eddie in stunned silence. It wasn’t until he heard her car start and pull away from the curb that he finally forced himself to go inside. The sight of Christopher still curled up on the couch, giggling at the cartoon he was watching, only added to the ache in his chest. He wasn’t sure how he was going to explain to Christopher that Buck was going to die, let alone that Buck wouldn’t be able to stay with him like he’d promised. He wasn’t sure if Buck had heard any of the conversation, but Christopher hadn’t mentioned Buck’s presence in a while, so he assumed he was still wherever it was he’d gone. The whole situation was insane and overwhelming, he hadn’t even tried to begin to process it all. With a heavy heart, he forced a smile onto his face and returned to the couch, the grin coming a little bit easier as his son snuggled up into his side.

He just wanted a few more moments of peace before he had to break his son’s heart.

...

Christopher was at his desk when Buck came home. He looked up from his homework when Buck appeared in the room, greeting him with a tired smile. “Hi, Buck.”

“Hey, Chris,” Buck smiled easily for the little boy. “You doing okay?”

Chris nodded. “You?”

Buck didn’t have a pleasant answer to that question. He was on the brink of death, everyone he loved was in mourning, and there was nothing he could do about any of it. He considered telling Christopher right then and there that he wouldn’t be able to stay after all, but he just couldn’t find the words. But there would be time for that later, when Eddie could be there to hold him since Buck couldn’t. For the moment, Buck just nodded his head too.

“You should stay in Dad’s room tonight,” Christopher told him, dropping his voice down to a conspiratory whisper. “He’s really sad. I think he needs you more I do.”

Buck thought he might cry. “You’re such a brave and kind person, Chris. I’m really proud of you.”

Chris beamed. “I love you, Buck.”

“I love you too, Christopher.”

With a wink and a soft smile, Buck was gone.

…

The setting sun cast a golden glow across the nearly empty bedroom, filling it with warmth. Eddie sat on the edge of his bed, staring blankly at the wall. His mind was racing through all that had happened that day. It was too much to process. Since his breakdown in the locker room the day before, he had been trying to keep his emotions locked away. He couldn’t lose his composure in front of his son. But there, alone in his room, he allowed himself to break. A soft sob escaped him, another clawing its way out of his throat right behind it.

A shiver ran down his spine as he felt a familiar energy on his shoulder, and he couldn’t help but smile at the presence. Buck was the one dying, and yet there he was comforting Eddie. That’s exactly what kind of man Buck was, and why Eddie had let him into his heart so easily. Eddie looked up toward where he assumed Buck to be standing, hoping, praying, to catch a glimpse of him.

“I’m going to miss you so much,” Eddie breathed into the sunbeams, making the dust dance in the air. “I wish you could stay.”

With Buck’s presence still on his shoulder, the same warm energy caressed his cheek like a soft sunbeam. A sad smile pulled at his lips as he relished the feeling. It wasn’t quite the same as having him there, tangible and real, but Buck’s presence was as much of a comfort as it always had been. For too long he’d kept his mouth shut and his hands to himself, kept his eyes from staring and his heart from longing, and now it was too late. They’d lost their chance, but Eddie would be damned if he let Buck leave the world without hearing the words that had been bursting from his heart since the moment they met.

“I love you.”

The warm energy that still caressed his cheek brushed against his lips and Eddie smiled, closing his eyes to better concentrate on the delicate feeling. The warmth lingered for a long, wonderful moment before fading away, leaving only a tingling sensation in its wake. When he opened his eyes again his heart skipped. He only caught a glimpse of Buck’s smiling face, but the glimmer of his tear-filled eyes lingered a breath longer than the rest of him, and Eddie felt his heart break a little more.

At least he knew that, at the end, Buck would be waiting for him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MY HEART IS POUNDING

Eddie didn’t want to go.

He could feel the bittersweet comfort of Buck’s presence against his arm as he drove. Perhaps if he knew that Buck would still be around in spirit, that he would be able to keep his best friend around in some capacity, it wouldn’t be so hard. Even if Buck could only communicate through a fogged up mirror, damn it, Eddie would buy a humidifier and a mirror for every room in his house. Living in a makeshift sauna would be a better alternative than living in a world without Evan Buckley.

But if that morning went the way it was expected to, he would have to say goodbye to Buck for good.

He squeezed the steering wheel a little tighter as he saw the hospital come into view up ahead. He had avoided the place for so long, it felt strange to be going in willingly. But no matter which way things went, he wanted to be there for Buck. It wouldn’t make up for not being there for him up to that point, even if Buck had understood, but he would be there nonetheless.

The trek up to the OR waiting room was long and silent, made bearable only by the presence at his side. He kept his eyes fixed on the painted purple line on the floor that was taking him to where he needed to be. He didn't even try to return the pleasantries of the nurse in the elevator out of fear of his voice breaking. Once he found the door he had been looking for, he peered through the small window cut out at their entire team sitting around the room. Bobby’s face was in his hands, elbows resting on his knees, Athena’s hand gripping the back of his neck as she leaned in close to his ear to speak. Maddie’s face was blank, but her expressive eyes told of great agony as she leaned her head against Chimney’s shoulder. The man’s eyes were red, and even from that distance Eddie could see tears glisten as they trailed down his face. Hen was sat next to Chim, one hand in his, the other in Karen’s as she sat beside her wife. Hen’s head was bowed as if in prayer. The whole team was there. The little family that had opened their arms to himself and his son and accepted them as one of their own immediately. The family that adored the man they were there to say goodbye to.

“They love you so much," Eddie whispered to Buck, feeling him rub over his back.

He pushed open the door and stepped in, and all eyes fell on him immediately. He didn’t meet any of their gazes long enough to determine whether or not they were judging him for being there. He wouldn’t blame them if they were, considering what it took to get him there. With a small nod of greeting to the team, Eddie took a seat in the corner away from them. Leaning his head back against the wall, he heaved a heavy sigh and closed his eyes, waiting for someone to tell him what they were doing next. He didn’t mind waiting however long it took. The longer he could stay in a world where Evan Buckley existed, the better.

A delicate touch to his hand made Eddie jerk away in surprise, coming face to face with a guilty looking Maddie standing before him.

“Sorry,” she grimaced. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s fine,” he scoffed, forcing a small smile.

“I’m glad you came.”

“Yeah,” Eddie sighed, trying to avoid looking her in the eye. “I wanted to be here for him.”

“They’ll come and get us soon,” she began, taking the seat next to his. “They’re going to give us each a chance to say goodbye before the procedure. They said up to two of us could be in there with him when they…” Her voice was so soft and calm, it was a shock to hear it break with emotion. She cleared her throat, meeting his gaze with a soft, sad smile. “I’m going to. And I think he’d like it if you were in there with him, too. If… if you think you can.”

Eddie nodded slowly, feeling the all too familiar pressure of tears building behind his eyes. “Thank you.”

She patted his arm gently as she stood, heading back over to retake her seat beside Chim. A heavy silence fell back over the small room as they waited for the impending loss.

…

At some point, everyone says they would like to witness their own funeral. To hear what their friends really have to say about them, to see who would cry and how much. To see who would even show up. Buck had been one of those people at some point, he was sure.

But now he knew how much it truly sucked.

Chim and Hen were the first two to be let back into the room, and Buck followed them in. They went to either side of the bed, eyes fixed on Buck’s still features. Buck just hung back awkwardly by the door, crossing his arms over his chest. He didn’t know what to expect or how to feel about the situation. He wanted to know what they were saying, and they obviously wanted him to hear it, but it still felt like a violation of privacy.

“I don’t know where to start,” Hen whispered over the puffs and beeps of the machines around him.

“Not sure what I’m gonna do without you, Buckaroo,” Chim said, forcing a smile, his voice trembling with emotion. “You’re like my little brother. I had hoped that someday you really would be.” Chim sighed, taking Buck’s hand in his as he studied his features. “I’ll take good care of Maddie for you, okay?”

“We love you, Buck,” Hen whispered, gently stroking his cheek. “We’re gonna miss you so much.”

Buck furiously wiped the tears from his eyes, wishing he could feel their touches. Wishing he could hug them one last time. To see them that way, with red eyes devoid of hope, it broke Buck’s heart. But they both had someone at home to lean on, and they had each other. He knew they would be okay without him.

After a silent moment between the three of them, Hen and Chim finally left the room, leaning against each other for support. Buck stayed where he stood, knowing exactly who was coming in next before they entered. He wished more than anything that he could just drop back into his body and force himself to wake up.

Bobby and Athena entered the room gripping each other’s hand. They moved in sync to the same side of the bed, keeping a firm grasp on each other. Athena laid a motherly hand on his cheek, smiling down at him, as Bobby immediately grabbed his hand. He hadn’t seen Bobby cry too many times over the years, but every time he did, it broke his heart. Buck could feel his emotions building in his chest, but he forced them down. The last thing he wanted to do was cause chaos and destruction in a hospital.

“You are both the dumbest and the smartest man I have ever known,” Athena chuckled tearfully. “I swear, you can be so clever, but that big ol heart of yours always gets in the way of you using your common sense. But that is one of the things I love most about you, Buck.”

“I can't do this,” Bobby breathed, his voice breaking on the last word as soft sobs overtook him. He bowed his head, shoulders shaking. “I can’t lose another kid.”

“We’ll get through this.” Athena squeezed Bobby’s hand as he wept, tears streaming down her own face. “Together.”

Buck choked back a sob, wrapping his arms around himself for comfort as he watched his friend, his father figure, break down at his bedside. Bobby was one of the strongest people Buck had ever known, he had already survived so much loss, but Buck’s greatest comfort came from knowing that Athena would be by his side this time.

Bobby nodded, sniffling. He let go of Athena to wipe his eyes, still clinging to Buck’s hand. The confession was so soft, yet so heavy. Buck had heard the words from his Captain before, but this time, with the weight of the goodbye that they held, they hit a little harder. “I love you, Buck.”

Athena echoed the sentiment softly, leaning down to press a kiss to Buck’s temple. “I love you, Buckaroo.”

Buck tried to remain calm, even as tears poured down his face like a waterfall. It wasn’t fair. All he had ever longed for was a family that loved him and his sister. A family that accepted him and loved him for who he was. And almost as soon as he had found one, he was being dragged away from it. He knew that Maddie would still be a part of their family even after he was gone, and for that he was grateful.

But he wanted to stay.

As they stepped away from the bed they found each other’s hands again, passing right by him on their way to the door. “I love you both,” he whispered, knowing that neither of them could hear him.

Buck curled in on himself as he wept alone in the room. His emotions threatened to burst out of him like they had so many times. Buck was already sensitive to the emotions of others, but something about being just a soul was making it that much more agonizing to witness his friends falling apart. He was fighting to push it all down as far as he could, hoping to avoid another incident like the locker room, but when Maddie walked through the door with that look on her face, it he almost broke him.

Maddie went to his side hesitantly, her lips already pursed as she tried to hold in her sobs. She took his hand, and once again Buck’s hope of feeling some kind of connection to his body was crushed. He walked around the side of the bed to get a better look at her face, but regretted his decision immediately when he saw the agony written across her features.

“I have loved you since the moment mom told me she was pregnant.” She cupped his cheek, looking down at his face with a mixture of pain and love in her eyes. “You are my best friend, and the best little brother a girl could ask for. I am so proud of you, and I’m going to miss you so much.”

She leaned over the railing to press a soft kiss to the apple of his cheek, whispering into his ear while she was there. “I will always love you, Evan.”

“I don’t want to leave you, Maddie,” Buck choked. “I’m sorry. I love you so much.”

“It’s almost time, Buck.”

The familiar ominous voice had Buck spinning around to face its owner. Eleonora was leaned against the wall, her arms crossed over her chest and a sad smile on her face.

“No…” he breathed, shaking his head. “I’m not ready. I haven’t said goodbye to Chris, or even explained that I couldn’t stay.”

“Death doesn’t wait for you to say goodbye.” She shrugged her shoulders. “But I can’t force you to cross. I’m just here to warn you, because I care.”

His stomach twisted. “Warn me of what?”

“After your body dies, the rate at which you lose your humanity quickens,” she explained. “You’ve already lost a lot of control, Buck. If you wait too long after, you may do something you regret.”

Nodding in understanding, Buck turned back to watch Maddie move toward the door. “I’ll make it quick then.”

When Buck glanced back, she was gone.

…

The door opened, and Maddie’s tear-streaked face appeared.

“It’s time, Eddie,” she whispered, her voice barely there.

He pushed off the wall he was leaning against, following her down the long hallway and into the private pre-op room. His first glimpse of Buck’s lifeless body sent a stabbing pain through Eddie’s chest. Knowing that Buck wasn’t within the body on the bed just made it that much worse. The steady beeping of the heart monitor echoed in the nearly empty room, almost drowning the noises from the other machines keeping his body functioning. He looked so fragile lying there, surrounded by wires and tubes. His skin was almost as pale as the stark white bandages still wrapped around his head. Eddie’s heart was racing as he drew nearer to the bed, getting a better look at the lax, hollowed face of his best friend. He could feel the pressure of tears behind his eyes again, but didn’t let them build. If he started crying then, he was afraid he would never stop. He needed to hold it together, at least until he could make it to the safe solitude of his truck.

“Are you sure you don’t want a minute alone with him?” Maddie asked softly.

He met her gaze over her brother’s body, suddenly unsure of how to push sound out of his mouth, much less how to explain that he would be saying his goodbyes to Buck himself later that evening. He simply shook his head, his eyes quickly falling back to the face of the man he loved. He could feel Buck’s presence against his arm once again, and he tried his best to draw as much comfort from it as he could.

The doctor knocked lightly on the door and slipped into the room, followed by a nurse. “Are we ready to begin?” the doctor asked gently, approaching the machine that was still breathing for Buck. Maddie nodded, looking to Eddie for confirmation.

Eddie took a deep breath and nodded his head to the doctor. The older man began verbally going through a checklist with the nurse, but none of it registered in Eddie’s mind. His only focus was Buck, and everything else fell away, lost beyond his haze of grief. He stared at Buck’s hand, pale and limp, lying on top of the thin blue blanket that covered him. In a few minutes, Buck would be gone for good. He would never get another chance to hold his hand. With the warm presence of Buck’s soul on his arm, he finally took hold of Buck’s hand squeezing the lifeless fingers firmly.

The doctor said something that Eddie couldn’t register, but he immediately noticed the change in the white noise of the room as the machines keeping Buck alive were being shut off one by one. Eddie’s gut twisted and dropped, sending a rush of anxiety tingling through his body all the way to his fingertips. When he suddenly felt the ghostly presence of Buck’s soul disappear from his skin, his heart sank to the pit of his stomach.

Why would Buck leave him now?

Had he and Christopher just lost their chance to say goodbye?

The respirator was the last thing to be shut off, Buck’s chest rising and falling one last time with the final puff of the machine. There was something so inherently wrong about the stillness that followed. Beep by beep, the once steady rhythm of the heart monitor grew slower. Eddie squeezed Buck’s hand a little tighter as he listened, tears burning in his tired eyes. Maddie choked out a desperate sob as the last beep became one continuous tone, piercing through the silence in the room. Eddie barely registered the doctor coming up beside him with his stethoscope. The room was spinning around him, swaying back and forth as it went, but the only thing in focus was Buck’s pale face.

The doctor’s soft, sympathetic voice could barely be heard over the tone of the heart monitor, but the words “time of death” cut straight through to Eddie’s heart like a freshly sharpened knife. He couldn’t move, desperately gripping Buck’s hand so tightly that the man’s cold skin was growing warm. He was vaguely aware of Maddie leaning over to kiss Buck’s cheek one last time. He heard her choked sobs as she moved toward the door. Through it all, he kept his eyes fixed on Buck’s face. His heart was pounding in his chest, hot tears blurring his vision.

“Sir,” the doctor’s soft, hesitant voice broke the silence. “We need to get him to surgery now, before his organs are no longer viable.”

Eddie silently nodded in understanding, the motion shaking tears loose. He carefully leaned over the railing, and with a heavy heart, pressed his lips to Buck’s cheek.

And then Buck took in a breath.

Eddie pulled away from Buck like he’d been burned, staring at his motionless face. The continuous tone that had overtaken the room broke, the beeps rapidly growing closer together as they moved toward a normal pace. The motion of his chest rising and falling again caught Eddie’s attention, and he watched in stunned silence.

“What the hell…” the doctor muttered.

A sob clawed its way out of Eddie’s throat, a smile splitting his face. “You did it…”

The door to the room slammed against the wall as the nurse hollered out for assistance, but Eddie didn’t hear them, too busy taking in the sound of his heart monitor beeping and the sight of Buck’s chest moving up and down slowly. Suddenly there were people swarming around the bed, shoving Eddie away and forcing him to let go of Buck’s hand. He stumbled back into the wall by the door, watching the flurry of motion surrounding Buck. Noise and chatter filled the room, but none of it registered to Eddie’s mind. All that he could fully understand was the motion of Buck’s chest moving up and down, and the steady beeping that he could still hear over the commotion. Suddenly Buck was being wheeled out of the room, a number of people surrounding the bed and following behind. He moved to follow them, but a solid hand on his chest stopped him right outside the door, and he watched helplessly as Buck disappeared behind ominous double doors.

“I’m sorry, sir, you can’t go with them.” Eddie looked up into the kind eyes of a nurse. “Go back to the waiting room. Someone will be out to talk to you soon.”

He was shorter than Eddie by a few inches, but a few inches wider in the shoulders. On a good day, Eddie would have fought him for a chance to follow Buck, but at the moment his limbs felt like jelly. He just nodded and turned, following the hall back to the waiting room in a daze. When he finally pushed through the door to the waiting room he stopped, glancing around at the miserable faces of their friends as some of them looked up to see who had entered.

“He’s alive,” Eddie whispered, lips curling into a smile he couldn’t control.

Now everyone was looking at him.

“Eddie, that’s not funny…” Hen shook her head disapprovingly, reaching out to grab Maddie’s hand as she choked out another sob.

“He took a breath on his own. His heart restarted and he was breathing on his own,” he explained, leaning against the wall for support as a strange mixture of sobs and giggles bubbled up and out of him. “He’s alive.”

“That’s impossible…” Chimney breathed, glancing around at the others for confirmation.

“No,” Maddie whispered beside him, shaking her head as she smiled. “That’s Buck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Organ donation after cardiac death SOURCES:
> 
> http://surgery.med.miami.edu/laora/community-services/after-cardiac-death
> 
> https://www.donors1.org/families-of-donors/about-organ-and-tissue-donation/what-is-donation-after-cardiac-death/


	9. Chapter 9

“He was toeing the line of braindead,” Maddie whispered, bewildered. “For it to go back to normal within twelve hours? Or at all, really. It’s unheard of.”

The sun had long since set, the city lights glowing beyond the tall windows of Buck’s room in the ICU. He was still on the respirator, but strictly as a precaution until he was awake and alert enough to be evaluated. Buck wasn’t out of the woods yet, and he wouldn’t be until he woke up, but he was still alive. He was still fighting.

“How did Christopher take the news? I assume he’s ecstatic.”

“I haven’t told him yet.” Eddie squeezed Buck’s hand, eyes fixed on his sleeping face. He had told Chris that Buck was staying with him that night, to keep him company. It was the only thing he could think to say to explain why Buck wouldn’t be spending the evening watching over Chris like he had been. “I didn’t even tell him what was supposed to happen this morning. I figured it would be easier to tell him after the fact. And now… I feel like it would be cruel to give him hope just to rip it away if--”

“He’s going to wake up, Eddie.” Maddie’s voice was firm when she cut him off, but she gave him a soft smile when he met her eyes. “You and I both know that Buck doesn’t give up. I think he’s more than proven that today.”

Eddie’s lip curled in spite of himself. “You’re absolutely right.”

It didn’t take the events of that morning to prove that Evan Buckley was a fighter. Eddie had seen it in him since the day they met. It was one of the many things about Buck that had made Eddie fall for him in the first place. He never gave up and he never walked away.

"Are you going to tell him?"

He shifted uncomfortably, feeling heat rising on his face instantly as he glanced over at Maddie. "Chimney told you?"

"Yes, but he didn't have to." Her voice was full of amusement. “I’ve seen the way you look at him. I mean, you were just staring at him like a lovesick puppy until I said something.”

He shrugged, grinning. “You caught me.”

Maddie considered him for a moment, her dark eyes soft with affection. “I probably shouldn’t tell you this on his behalf, but he feels the same way.”

Eddie couldn't help his heart from skipping. If the strangely beautiful kiss they had shared just the day before was anything to go by, he already knew quite well how Buck felt. Still, it was nice to hear. “I know.”

“But that means you two need to talk when he wakes up.”

“We will,” he nodded, his smile faltering as a fear he’s had in mind since the incident returned to the forefront of his mind. "What if he doesn't remember me?”

“Eddie…” Maddie sighed sympathetically.

“With everything he’s been through…” whispered Eddie, as if voicing his fears too loudly would make them come true. “There’s no telling what kind of brain damage has been done."

"Would that make you stop loving him?"

"No." Eddie answered without hesitation, meeting Maddie’s eyes as they sparkled with amusement.

"Would you stop being his friend?"

"Never."

"Then you have nothing to worry about, even if he can’t remember his own name," Maddie giggled, shaking her head fondly. "He fell in love with you once already. What's to say he won't fall again?"

Eddie couldn’t help his lips curling at that. “Hadn’t thought of that.”

Maddie stood up and stretched her arms up over her head, yawning deeply. “I’m going down the hall to get some coffee. Do you want anything?”

Eddie shook his head. “Hey, Maddie?”

She turned to look at him from the door, brow raised in interest.

“Thank you,” he whispered. “For letting me stay here with him. I… I kind of feel like I don’t deserve to.”

“You do, Eddie,” she smiled. “But it’s not about you. It’s about what Buck would want. And I know for a fact that he’ll want to see you the second he wakes up.”

With that she left the room, and Eddie went back to watching Buck’s closed eyes for any sign of movement. He had been staring at Buck’s face almost continuously since he had entered the room hours ago, but he still couldn’t get enough. The curve of his jaw, the way his long, light lashes fanned out against his cheeks, even the scruffy beard that had grown since he had been in the hospital was beautiful. Eddie just hoped he would get to see his blue eyes again soon, even if they held no recognition.

“You should keep the scruff. It looks good on you,” Eddie chuckled. If he closed his eyes and concentrated on the hand he was holding, Eddie could almost feel the warmth he’d felt at the touch of Buck’s spirit. The same warmth he’d noticed seconds before Buck’s heart started beating again. “I don’t know what would be worse. Losing you completely, or having the idea of getting you back be dangled in my face for the rest of our lives. But I guess at least this way, I get to hold your hand.”

He watched Buck’s chest rise and fall as his own became tight with emotion once again. “No matter what issues you face from this, Buck, we’ll handle it. I will be by your side through it all. But if you don’t wake up…” He took a deep breath, trying to keep his voice steady but failing miserably. “I need you to wake up, Buck. You’re so close,” he whispered, strangled by his own emotions. “Please come back to me.”

At first, Eddie thought he was imagining the slight twitch, so he didn’t even look away from Buck’s golden eyelashes. But then he felt it again, and his breath caught in his throat as he watched Buck’s fingers twitch and slowly curl around his hand.

“Buck?” He shot up from his seat to get a better look at Buck’s face. “Can you hear me?”

“Eddie?” Maddie’s voice questioned from the door. She was at the other side of the bed in a flash, looking between the two of them with concern. “What’s wrong?”

“I think he’s waking up,” Eddie breathed. “He’s squeezing my hand.”

“Buck?” Maddie all but whimpered, grabbing Buck’s other hand.

It was weak, but Eddie could feel Buck squeezing his hand just as his lashes started to flutter. The moment Eddie saw pale blue eyes staring up at the ceiling, he thought he might break down right there. A sob escaped his throat disguised as a laugh, a smile splitting his face. Buck looked around slowly, his lips curling up a little on the edges as he found Maddie’s face.

“Hey,” she greeted, tears in her eyes as she beamed down at her baby brother. “Oh my god, Evan… I love you so much. Don’t try to talk, there’a a tube in your throat to help you breathe. Just relax and try to breathe with it, okay?”

He slowly nodded in understanding, blinking his tired eyes as he looked around. The way Buck’s eyes brightened when they landed on Eddie sent a jolt of emotion through Eddie’s chest.

Tears filled Eddie’s eyes immediately as he grinned down at the man he loved. “Hey.”

“Are you in any pain?” Maddie asked him, bringing Buck’s eyes back to hers.

Letting go of Maddie’s hand, he struggled to lift his own to his head, tapping his fingers behind his ear.

“Your head hurts?” she asked, to which he nodded. “Well I’m not surprised, considering all you’ve been through. Do you want me to get the nurse to give you something?”

Shaking his head a little, he grabbed her hand again.

“Okay, but I do need to go get a nurse,” Maddie told them, leaning down to touch a feather-light kiss to Buck’s cheek. “I’ll be right back.”

As Maddie left the room, Buck found Eddie’s eyes again. Just the thought of asking his question sent a crippling jolt of anxiety through Eddie’s chest. Even with the light of recognition in Buck’s eyes, Eddie needed to know for sure. “Do you…” His voice broke, and he swallowed down the sob threatening to break free. “Do you remember me?”

The corners of Buck’s lips twitched and curled up around the tube, his grip on Eddie’s hand tightened as he nodded slightly. Buck’s tired eyes were bright with the same affection Eddie always saw there, making his heart soar. Eddie released a shaky breath, relief flooding his chest as he brushed his thumb across Buck’s knuckles tenderly.

“Christopher is going to be so happy to see you awake.” Eddie tried to keep his voice even as his emotions attempted to strangle him. His heart swelled at the way Buck’s face lit up at the mention of Chris. “I’ll have Carla bring him tomorrow, okay? I’m sure she’d love to see you, too.”

As Buck looked up at him, eyes dancing with joy and something he couldn’t quite name, Eddie wanted nothing more than to tell Buck he loved him. He wanted to cover Buck’s beautiful face with little kisses and tell him how happy he was to have him back in the flesh, but he didn’t know what Buck remembered. Just because he knew who Eddie was didn’t mean he remembered everything. To Buck, they could have only just met. So Eddie would keep his feelings to himself like he had been for the better part of three years, at least until he could find out exactly what Buck remember and how he wanted to move forward. Just that morning he had been willing to wait a lifetime to be with Buck. He could wait a few days, weeks, or however long Buck needed. At that moment, Buck’s recovery was all that mattered to Eddie.

…

The shrill sound of his phone ringing would have startled Bobby awake had been asleep. He snatched the device from the bedside table so quickly that he yanked it off the charge cord, but any damage he may have done to the device was forgotten when he caught a glimpse of the name on the screen. His heart was pounding in his chest so hard he felt dizzy as he answered the call.

"Maddie? What happened? Is everything alright?"

Athena was awake now, sitting up to look at him expectantly, waiting to hear the answer to his question. He switched the call to speaker and grabbed Athena's hand, grateful to have her by his side. He wasn’t sure if he would have survived the last few weeks without his wife, much less the events of that day.

"He's awake," Maddie giggled, sounding somewhere between delighted and on the verge of tears. "He's awake, and alert, and he remembers Eddie and I."

Bobby couldn’t form a single word, much less take in enough oxygen to make a sound. He took a deep breath, feeling the beginning of tears burning behind his tired eyes.

Athena heaved a sigh beside him. “That’s incredible.”

"The doctor is going to evaluate him again in the morning, but he seems to think they'll be able to remove the tube sometime tomorrow," continued Maddie, a liveliness in her voice that hadn't been heard in weeks. "I can give you a call as soon as Buck feels like having visitors."

"That would be wonderful,” said Athena, gripping Bobby's hand as he started to shake. “Thank you for calling, Maddie,"

"Is Bobby okay?" Maddie asked, concerned.

"He's fine," Athena chuckled, looking up at him with a soft smile. "Just a bit overwhelmed. Give Buck our love and call if you need anything, even if it’s 4 in the morning. Okay?"

"Will do. Thank you,” Maddie sighed. “Goodnight, guys."

As soon as the call was ended, Bobby turned over to wrap his arm around Athena. He pressed his face into the crook of her neck as he took slow, shuddering breaths, trying to force his lungs to go back to functioning normally. She curled her arm around his shoulders, gently scratching her nails through the hair at the nape of his neck. The touch was feather-light, but never failed to relax Bobby to his core.

"He did it," Athena mused, a smile on her face.

"He did it," Bobby echoed, voice wavering with emotion.

…

It was early afternoon the next day, and after countless tests to ensure his stability, it was time to remove the tube. Everyone had been pleased by the news, but none more than Buck. Ever impatient, Buck had been silently begging to remove it since he had awoken the night before. Maddie and Eddie stayed in the room for the procedure, neither of them willing to leave Buck’s side for long even after spending more than 24 hours at the hospital. It was obviously painful, bringing tears to Buck’s eyes as he coughed and sputtered, but he had a smile on his face as he took in a breath all on his own. Almost as soon as the tube was removed an oxygen mask was placed over his face, earning a nose scrunch of disdain from the man. Eddie couldn’t help but chuckle at him, and Buck stuck his tongue out in response. After the doctor and nurses left the room, Maddie and Eddie found their previous spots at either side of the bed, Maddie grabbing Buck’s hand the moment he was in reach.

“Everyone is so anxious to see you.” Maddie grinned. “Are you up to having a few visitors?”

“Carla said she’d bring Christopher after school,” Eddie added with a wink.

Buck nodded enthusiastically, a beaming smile under the mask.

“I’ll go call everyone then." Maddie leaned down to press a kiss to Buck's cheek. “And I'll call Carla for you, Eddie, so you can stay here with Buck.”

“Okay… sure,” Eddie chuckled, taking Buck’s hand in his. “No arguments here.”

Buck grinned up at him through the mask as Maddie left the room, his eyes twinkling with joy. To see him so alert and alive sent Eddie's heart into overdrive. His hair was a mess of short curls sticking out in every direction, his beard scruffy under the bulky plastic oxygen mask covering half his face, but Buck was still the most beautiful thing Eddie had ever seen. Just like he had been doing with his grief before, Eddie was struggling to keep his emotions pushed down and under control, only this time it was love. Buck deserved more than a bedside confession, whether or not he felt the same way, and the last thing Eddie wanted to do was confuse or overwhelm him. Based on the questions the doctor had asked that morning, and the answers Buck had scribbled down on paper, he remembered his life up to the incident that had landed him in a coma. But whether or not he remembered anything from while he was in said coma was a question yet to be answered.

Buck lifted the hand that wasn’t gripping Eddie’s like a lifeline and motioned for him to come closer. Eddie’s brow furrowed in curiosity as he leaned in. Buck motioned again, and Eddie complied, leaning in so close that his ear was almost touching the oxygen mask. His voice was barely more than a breath, dry and raspy and obviously painful to use, but his first words since the removal of the tube were clear as day to Eddie.

“I love you, too.”

Warmth spread through Eddie’s chest as he met Buck’s eyes, the blue depths glistening with unshed tears. He cupped Buck's cheek, heart swelling when he leaned into Eddie's touch. “You remember?”

Buck nodded happily.

Eddie huffed a laugh, pressing a gentle kiss to Buck’s forehead.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a wild ride. This fic has been my most successful work. It's the longest thing I've ever finished, and it's gotten the most hits and comments of any fic I've ever posted. But most of all, this fic is the reason for the soft satan worshippers gc. I've found a family because of this fic. A safe place where I know I'm loved and accepted. I love you guys so fucking much. Thank you for joining me on this crazy ride and cheering me on the entire way. I couldn't have done it without you. I am emotoo all 💞
> 
> And thank you to everyone who's read and commented!

The moment he heard the familiar click of crutches on tile, Buck’s heart felt like it might burst with joy. He wished he were strong enough to stand, to meet the boy at the door and lift him into his arms like he had a million times, but just sitting up in bed was exhausting. Against the wishes of the respiratory therapist, Buck tore the mask off his face quickly before they rounded the corner. The moment they met eyes, Christopher froze at his father’s side, simply staring back at Buck. Still unable to talk, Buck gave an enthusiastic wave, hoping the smile on his face could keep the emotion from his eyes.

“Go on, Christopher,” Eddie encouraged softly. “It’s okay.”

That was all the push Christopher needed to make it across the room. As soon as they were beside the bed, Eddie lifted Chris up and sat him beside Buck’s hip, setting the crutches beside the chair that Eddie had occupied all night. Christopher just sat there silently, staring at Buck’s face critically. Buck shot Eddie an unsure glance, to which Eddie shrugged helplessly, looking just as confused as Buck felt. Buck kept his hands folded on his lap, letting Christopher take his time. He couldn’t imagine how hard the entire situation had been for Chris to process, going from believing Buck would die to being told he was alive and awake. It seemed to be a lot for everyone to process, much less a nine year old.

Christopher reached up with a hesitant hand and touched Buck’s cheek, and Buck could feel the tremble in the little boy’s fingers. Like a switch had been flipped, Christopher’s lower lip stuck out and he let out a soft sob, his eyes welling with tears behind his glasses. Buck didn’t hesitate to pull the boy into his chest, cradling Christopher’s head in the crook of his neck as he cried out.

“It’s okay, I’m here. I’ve got you.” Buck shushed him, whispering despite the pain it caused his throat.

Chris gripped at Buck’s hospital gown as he whimpered. Buck shot Eddie a surprised look, feeling tears sliding down his own face as he found Eddie wiping his eyes. Buck let go of Chris with one of his hands, grabbing Eddie’s arm and pulling him down to join them. Eddie's strong arms encircled them both as he nuzzled his forehead against Buck’s temple. Buck took in a deep breath to keep himself from breaking down with Chris. Holding the little boy he loved like his own, being held by the man he loved, Buck felt more peace than he had when staring into the light.

…

Buck thought he might die again.

Hen wrapped her arms so tightly around him that he was pretty sure he heard something pop, but he didn't even try to push her away. After being unable to touch or feel anyone but Eddie, Buck was determined to savor every hug he received from his friends, no matter how painful or bone-crushing.

"It’s good to have you back in one piece, Buckaroo," Hen told him, finally releasing him from her vice grip only to take his face into her hands around the oxygen mask. She stared into his eyes critically, leaning in so closely that his eyes crossed slightly. "You are all there, right?"

Buck smiled and nodded, taking one of her hands and giving it a firm squeeze.

“That’s a relief,” Chim chuckled. “Maddie said you even remembered the president. I didn’t think you knew that to begin with.”

Buck gave Chim a playful glare, sticking his tongue out at the other man and making him laugh.

“You have no idea how happy we are to have you back, Buck,” sighed Hen, patting his cheek lovingly. “Your locker and shelf will be waiting for you whenever you’re ready, so just take your time getting better, okay?”

Buck beamed, feeling warm. He hadn’t even had a chance to see if he could stand up yet, there was no telling how long it would take him to be physically back to normal. But just knowing that they were waiting and willing to welcome him back gave him the motivation to do whatever it took to get back to his team.

Hen let go of his face and took a seat on the edge of the bed, scrutinizing him suspiciously. “Buck… would you happen to know anything about the locker room? Or maybe floating bacon?”

“You’re ridiculous, Hen,” Chimney rolled his eyes. “Buck was in a coma, not dead. He couldn’t have been a ghost.”

Buck pointed to Chim, nodding in agreement and trying really hard not to burst into a fit of laughter as he gave her the most innocent look he could muster. How could he explain what he had been through? He could barely make sense of it himself. No, the only people who needed to know about his adventures as a spirit already knew about it.

Hen shrugged, crossing her arms but continuing to study Buck’s face carefully.

“We’re really happy to have you back, Buck,” Chim said, the tone of his voice sobering Buck instantly.

“No more freak accidents, you hear me?” Hen scolded, pointing an accusing finger at his face.

Buck smiled at his friends, reaching out to grab both of their hands. He didn’t just have one sibling, he had three. And by the looks on their faces, they understood that.

…

When he saw the pair round the corner into his room, he couldn’t help the smile that overtook his face. Athena’s eyes softened the moment they met his, and Buck thought he might start crying at the way she smiled.

“Look at you, Buckaroo,” she sighed happily, taking his offered hand. “Bright eyed and bushy tailed.”

He grinned up at her, squeezing her fingers. Behind her, Bobby lingered at the door awkwardly, watching their exchange with a guarded expression. Athena glanced back at her husband before giving Buck a soft, sad smile.

“I’m afraid I can’t stay for very long, my shift starts soon. But I needed to see you with my own eyes.” She leaned down and pressed a motherly kiss to his forehead. Before she pulled away, she leaned closer to his ear, keeping her voice low. “Losing you almost broke him.”

Buck swallowed down his own emotions as she met his gaze again, giving him a soft smile.

“You get some rest,” Athena warned. “I know you’re anxious to get back to work, but this wasn’t just a broken leg, Buck. You need to take it slow.”

“Yes, mom,” he rasped from behind his oxygen mask, rolling his eyes with a grin.

She leveled him with a glare. “Just because you came back from the dead doesn’t mean you get to sass me.”

Buck snickered, squeezing her hand once more before letting her go.

Athena rolled her eyes with a smile of her own. “Alright. I’ll be by to see you tomorrow.”

With a tender pat on his arm, Athena turned to leave, reaching up to kiss her husband on the cheek on her way by.

“Be safe,” Bobby told her as she left.

When he turned back, Buck finally got a good look at the older man. He looked like he’d been through hell since the last time Buck had seen him, and he supposed he had. His eyes were tired and red rimmed, but bright as they stared back at him. Buck smiled, motioning for Bobby to come closer.

“I’m okay,” Buck breathed, barely audible, but he knew Bobby heard him by the tears welling up in the other man’s eyes.

“It was too close this time, Buck,” Bobby whispered, shaking his head. He accepted Buck’s outstretched hand. “I came too damn close to losing you. I did lose you. I can’t… I can’t do that again, okay?”

Unsure of how to respond to that, Buck just nodded, tears streaming down his own face and over the oxygen mask. He tugged on Bobby’s hand and the older man followed his lead, wrapping Buck in a gentle embrace that brought tears to his eyes.

When Bobby finally let go of him, he found his usual seat by the bed and grabbed Buck's hand. "Mind if I stay for a while?"

Buck shook his head with a welcoming smile and squeezed his Captain's hand, wiping away the tears that had escaped. He glanced over to the table in the corner and the book that sat there. Bobby followed his gaze, lips twitching up on the corners.

"Do you want me to read to you?"

Buck gave an enthusiastic nod, and the way Bobby's eyes softened at the suggestion made his heart warm. Bobby grabbed the book from the table and opened it to the first page, clearing his throat to begin. Buck shook his head, silently waving his hand to catch Bobby's attention. He reached out, and Bobby handed the book over with a curious expression. Buck flipped through the pages, finding the place where Bobby had left off just a couple of days ago, and handed it back.

Bobby took a look at the pages before meeting Buck's eyes, a look of confusion in his own. "You remember?"

Buck shrugged his shoulders, nodding shyly.

"Okay," Bobby laughed in bewilderment, leaning back in the chair. "We'll start where we left off."

Buck settled into the bed on his side, eyes on Bobby and a smile on his face. The Captain's eyes twinkled with joy as he began to read, Buck listening intently as he basked in the comfort Bobby's warm voice brought him.

…

“You know you did the right thing, right?”

Maddie looked up at Buck with wide eyes as she kept up with Buck’s slow pace. It had been two days since he’d been taken off the respirator, and he was finally getting his voice back, as well as his mobility. He was even allowed to ditch the gown for pajamas and a t-shirt, for which Buck was grateful. It was his second walk around the step-down unit that day, but his first moment alone with Maddie since he had woken up. He could see her knuckles turn white as she gripped the pole that held his IV bag, but she kept her face void of anything aside from curiosity. She was a fantastic actress.

“You shouldn’t be talking yet,” she gently scolded. “It’ll take longer to get your voice back the more you use it.”

“Maddie,” he sighed, stopping to lean against the railing on the wall. “Thank you for going through with my wishes, even though it was hard.”

She blinked away the tears before they could fully form, but he didn’t miss them. “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

“I know that, and I’m sorry,” he said, pulling her into his chest.

She gripped fistfuls of his t-shirt, and he could feel her shoulders shake with a soft sob. “I let you die,” she whispered, voice breaking.

“You were helping me fulfill my wish to help people. Or at least you tried to,” he chuckled, his chest aching with emotion as he rubbed a hand up and down his sister’s back. “I just wasn’t ready to go yet.”

Maddie let out a giggly sob, looking up at him with tears in her eyes and a smile on her face. “I have never been so grateful for how stubborn you are.”

Buck chuckled, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

…

Buck was a miracle. Or at least, that’s what all the doctors kept saying. He had been poked and prodded, questioned and examined, and studied like a science experiment. He wondered if that was what it felt like to be abducted by aliens. But he took it, and he didn’t complain for a second, because he knew the alternative was not something he wanted. As alluring as the light had been, he preferred the light in Eddie’s eyes.

By the time they finally released him from the hospital on the Friday after he had woken up, his voice had mostly returned. He still had a bit of a headache that came and went, but his CT scans were clear, the wound on the back of his head was mostly healed, and everyone was baffled by how much information he remembered. It would be some time before he was cleared for work, but the doctor had assured him that he was on his way there. Buck was more than happy with that prognosis. Despite the aching desire to get back to work and normalcy, he was not going to turn down the opportunity to spend copious amounts of time with Christopher while he was on medical leave. He had several weeks worth of hugs to catch up on.

When the doctor had suggested Buck stay with someone for a few days after leaving the hospital, Eddie had volunteered before anyone else could open their mouths, and Buck was not about to argue. And based on the knowing smirk on his sister’s face, Maddie had never had any intention to fight for custody. That’s how Buck found himself in Eddie’s truck, riding in the same seat he’d taken without Eddie’s knowledge. Only this time, Eddie had a smile on his face that made Buck’s heart sing.

“You know, I rode with you just like this a couple times,” Buck casually mentioned as they pulled up to a stop light.

Eddie glanced over at him, brow furrowed. “When you were…” he waved his hand in the air. “You know…”

“A ghost?” Buck chuckled. “It’s okay, Eddie. It’s not a slur.”

“I know,” Eddie sighed, rolling his eyes. “I just… I don’t know. It’s still weird to think about.”

Buck shrugged. “It happened, Eddie. The sooner we accept it, the sooner we can move forward.”

They fell back into a comfortable silence as the light turned green, but it only lasted a block before Eddie spoke again.

“I don’t want to think of you like that.”

“Like what?” questioned Buck. “As a ghost?”

“As not alive,” Eddie corrected, voice so soft it pulled at Buck’s heart.

Buck turned to Eddie, who met his eyes in glances as he paid attention to the road. Both of them seemed to be at a loss for words, so Buck laid his hand down on the seat between them, palm up and inviting. Eddie glanced at it for only a second before his hand found Buck’s and he laced their fingers together.

They let the silence carry on for the rest of the drive until they pulled into the driveway of Eddie’s house. Buck would be lying if he said he didn’t miss the feeling of Eddie’s hand in his when the other man let go. Buck hurried to follow him out of the car, moving to fetch his bag from the back seat to find Eddie snatching it up and out of his grasp. The shorter man shot him a wink, and Buck’s insides turned to goo so fast he didn’t have time to argue before Eddie was motioning for Buck to lead the way up the steps.

“Welcome home, Buck.”

Eddie’s words sent a thrill through Buck’s chest as he walked through the door. The house felt somehow different than it had just days before when Buck was roaming as a spirit. He could smell Eddie's comforting scent, could feel the welcoming warmth of the atmosphere. And it took losing it all to make him realize that Eddie's house felt more like home than his own apartment.

"Buck!" Christopher cheered, hurrying out of the kitchen to greet him with Carla hot on his heels.

"There's my Buckaroo," Carla cooed happily.

"Hey, Chris! Hey, Carla!" Buck greeted, kneeling down to gather Christopher into a tight hug.

"I missed you so much," Chris whispered against Buck's shoulder, squeezing him gently around the chest.

"You just saw me yesterday," Buck chuckled.

"Too long," Chris pouted. Suddenly he pulled away enough to look up at Buck, his face lighting up with an idea. "You should move in!"

Eddie choked on his breath, Carla busted out laughing, but Buck just grinned, his heart aching with love as he gave Chris a wink. "I'd like that, but we'll figure that out later, okay?"

"Whatever," Christopher sighed with a little eye roll, heading toward the door. "You and dad are gonna be together forever anyway. Why not start now?"

Buck stood slowly, his grin fighting for dominance as he tried to keep his face straight. Meeting Eddie's wide eyes, Buck simply shrugged, letting his amusement win. Eddie would figure it out on his own eventually.

"It's so good to see you up and around," Carla giggled, taking his chin in her hand to tug him down a few inches. She pecked him on the cheek, lingering by his ear for just a moment. "The kid's got a point."

Buck returned her cheek kiss. "I'm aware," Buck chucked.

"Alright, I'm going to get this brilliant child off to school," Carla announced, patting Eddie on the arm as she passed him. "Take good care of our boy, Eddie."

"I will, Carla. Thank you." Eddie's eyes were twinkling with something that Buck couldn't name, but it filled his stomach with butterflies. Eddie pulled Chris into a hug, kissing the top of his head. "Be good. I'll be there to pick you up after school and we'll start our Buckley-Diaz Lazy Weekend."

"Okay!" Chris giggled, following Carla out the door.

Eddie shut the door behind them, turning to Buck with a soft smile. “Do you and Chris know something I don’t?”

Buck shrugged, fighting to hide his mischievous grin. Eddie rolled his eyes with a huff of laughter, heading toward the living room with Buck’s bag. Buck followed him, his hands in his pockets to keep himself from scratching the still healing wound on the back of his head. Buck was not about to jeopardize his hair regrowth for a moment of relief. His other, more minor injuries from the incident had healed while he was unconscious, though some stiffness and aches still lingered in his back.

But Eddie was worth it all.

They hadn’t talked about any of it. The incident, the experience of being a spirit wandering around, not even the kiss. After Buck’s response to Eddie’s confession, they had pretty much gone back to the way they had been before, but something had definitely shifted. Eddie was happier, lighter, and took any chance to touch Buck. Be it a supportive hand on his back when Buck took his walks around the hospital, or just a hand to hold as they talked or watched TV to pass the time. Buck loved every single change to their relationship, and if Eddie needed to take it slow he would be glad to. But Buck wanted more, and he was sure that Eddie did too.

“So are we going to talk about… you know…” Buck motioned between the two of them when Eddie met his gaze. “Because it feels like you’re avoiding it.”

“Buck, you just came out of a coma, during which you had an unexplainable supernatural experience,” Eddie chuckled. “I was giving you time to breathe.”

That made Buck smile, because of course Eddie was just trying to take care of him. “But I don't want to breathe.” Buck sauntered over to stand toe to toe with Eddie, feeling a rush of excitement as Eddie glanced down to his lips for a fraction of a second. "I want to kiss you. With my actual, physical lips this time.”

The glint in Eddie's eye as he grinned sent Buck’s heart racing. “As you wish.”

When their lips met, Buck instantly felt the same warm energy he had felt the first time they kissed. By the way Eddie gasped, pulling back just enough to look into Buck’s eyes in surprise, he’d felt it to. Buck smiled, cradling Eddie’s face as Eddie wound his arms around Buck’s waist. Their lips meeting again sent shivers down Buck’s spine. It was careful and tender, a slow and intentional exploration of each other. When they finally pulled apart, Buck’s heart was pounding as he rested his forehead against Eddie’s.

“You should go rest,” Eddie breathed, leaning back enough to look at him. “You’ve been up a while.”

“Only if you come with me,” Buck blurted out, a warmth rushing up his face. “I don’t mean… I don’t think my doctor cleared me for that yet?” he chuckled, earning a soft huff of laughter from Eddie.

“No, I don’t think so.”

“But I didn’t mean that. I um… I kind of…” Buck hesitated, the heat in his face growing more as he realized he was still cradling Eddie’s face in his hands. He didn’t let go. “Will you hold me?”

The way Eddie’s eyes shone with love made Buck want to cry. “Wherever you are is where I want to be.”

Eddie stole one last chaste kiss before taking Buck’s hand and leading him to his room. Eddie closed the curtains and the door, plunging the room into a soothing darkness. They settled in the middle of the bed, Buck’s back flush up against Eddie’s chest. Eddie’s arms were curled around Buck’s waist, holding him securely as Eddie burrowed his face into the back of Buck’s neck. Eddie pressed his hand into Buck’s chest, right over his heartbeat. Buck covered his hand and laced their fingers together, his other hand tracing soft patterns into the skin of Eddie’s arm as they relaxed into the warmth of each other. Buck could finally feel himself starting to doze when Eddie’s voice vibrated against his neck, his warm breath on his skin sending shivers through him.

“How did you do it?”

“Do what?” Buck mumbled sleepily.

“Come back.”

Buck paused. He hadn’t thought about that day since he’d woken up. He didn’t remember much after getting back into his body, but Buck clearly remembered the moments leading up to it. “I’m pretty sure we’re soulmates.”

There was a pause, and Buck felt Eddie’s pulse quicken in his fingers. “Care to explain?”

“I stopped being able to feel my body,” he said, whispering into the silence. “That’s why I thought I couldn’t come back. When I tried to get back in it, it didn’t work. I had no connection to hold onto.” Buck rolled over onto his back, keeping Eddie’s arms around him as he met the man’s brown eyes. “But when you touched my hand, I felt it. Stronger than I’d felt anyone else’s touch. So I tried one more time to get back into my body, and I finally had something to hold onto. I had a connection to my body. So I just… held onto you until it took.”

Eddie huffed a soft laugh that tickled against Buck’s skin. “Makes as much sense as anything else that’s happened.” Eddie pecked Buck on the cheek. “However you did it, I’m just happy to have you back. I thought I was going to have to start taking pottery classes.”

That earned a raspy giggle. “I’m happy to be back.” Buck sighed. “You know, it kind of reminds me of Princess Bride.”

Eddie’s brow furrowed. “How?”

Buck grinned. “Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.”

“You’re a dork,” Eddie chuckled softly, capturing Buck’s lips in a soft, chaste kiss.

Buck smiled, blinking away the tears that were building behind his eyes. “I love you.”

Eddie stole another kiss before settling back into the crook of Buck’s neck, squeezing Buck’s hand and tightening his arm around his waist. “I love you, too.”


End file.
